Since it is deeply personal, I wanted to be sure that I got it right. When I wrote it, Everything was scattered around. I was jumping around in my own timelime and after sleeping on it, I decided that I needed to reorganize and clarify a few thing before I made it public knowledge.
I really hope that you will read this, and take it for what it is meant to be.
Here Goes:
It’s been a while since I’ve actually felt a need to write
anything on this blog. Tonight, however I feel rather compelled. As most of you
know, I am currently enrolled in school for my Technical Communications degree.
The very first class I decided to take was Psychology. I figured that because
of the combination of the short summer semester, and the experience I’ve had
with Psychology would lend to an easier return to the academic experience. I
have only one regret about choosing this particular class, and it has nothing
to do with the academics, or the getting back into the flow of school.
I simply wish I had decided to take the full semester.
In the few short weeks I have been in this class, I have
learned a TON about myself. How I think, how I operate and a lot of things
clicked. I just wish that we had more time a class to talk about them.
The instructor Ashley has been nothing short of amazing.
Every time I have had a question, she has promptly gotten back to me. If she
didn’t know, she looked it up and got back to me when she had the answer.
For the most part, I’ve been sitting in the second row
quietly absorbing and nodding my head in agreement when she covers a topic that
I’m familiar with. I’ll talk when I need to, and she has been great at fostering
discussion.
Now… to the meat of what this is all about. The following portion is very personal, and
may shock some of you. It is brutally honest, and it is time I get it off my
chest. It is also going to be very long and detailed with no TL; DR (too long,
didn’t read – A short summary of what has been said, usually located at the
bottom of the post) I hope that you’ll read it, and learn a bit more about me
and my journey.
Mom - I know you’re reading this. You are one of the
constant lights in my life. You have a way of making things better, and have comforted
me so many times when you had no idea of the agony I was in. You are the best
gift I was given. You do not know most of what I am about to talk about, and I
want to make it very clear: YOU ARE THE BEST MOM. Period. End of discussion. If
anyone want to argue this point, I invite you to the proverbial exit door. ;)
Yesterday, Ashley announced we would be talking about
Suicide which is a topic that is very important to her and that she expected us
all to be there for class today. We also talked about several different forms
of anxiety and mood disorders which all have touched my life in varying
degrees. As I sat in that classroom, and we talked about panic attacks, the
different phobias, OCD, Depression, Anxiety, bipolar disorder and Suicide, I
began to think. Memories and emotions came flooding back.
In order to understand fully, I’m going to have to go back
to the very beginning.
When I was a kiddo, I remember being afraid of nearly
everything. I wouldn’t go into places where I felt like I couldn’t escape. I
remember the time that we visited Alcatraz and as part of the tour, the guides
wanted to “lock” us all in one of the cells to show us what it was like. There
was NO way anyone was going to get me into that.
A little bit of history on Joe. I first began experiencing
panic attacks about the time that I turned 8.
My very first panic attack happened when I was staying over
at a friend’s house. I was laying on the couch at 430 in the morning, as we had
devised a plan to stay awake the entire night. I was thinking about turning 8, and
how important that age was, and how suddenly every little thing I did mattered.
In
the Latter-Day Saint (AKA Mormon) faith, we are taught that you become
accountable for your actions when you turn 8. Meaning, anything you did before
that point in life really didn’t count as you didn’t have a full grasp of right
and wrong. Once you turn 8, you become accountable before God for your actions.
Is this the root of my anxiety? Not at all. I'd had anxiety as long as I can remember.It was just a piece and the very
first time I had an attack. I’m just explaining a bit of where I was at physically
and emotionally at the time.
All of a sudden, the room began to spin, my heart began to pound, my breathing
got ragged, and I thought I was dying. I felt like I was standing about 3 feet
behind myself. All of this was happening while my friend slept less than two
feet away. It was unbearable. I did manage to make it through, and exhausted
from the effort of not running from the house screaming the whole 5 or so miles
(maybe more) back to my home, I fell asleep.
I went to my father, as this crushing feeling of anxiety
continued day after day, week after week.
He told me that when it happened, to
lock myself in the bathroom until I was able to breathe. This was my very first
“Comfort zone” This was also the beginning of 30ish years of my secret agony.
At first, I was scared of dying. Then, I was scared of
making a fool of myself. After that, I became scared of other people, and
interacting with them. I was scared of being in the spotlight and having people
watch me. I was scared of being in a car. I began to get terrified when I was
in the middle of nowhere. I was mortally afraid of the opposite sex.
But wait Joe… you were in plays in elementary school. You
were an excellent public speaker. You played baseball, soccer and other sports,
you were an active Boy Scout. How did you do all this when you were so scared
of everything?
Simply put: I faked it. I faked being happy. I faked being
interested. I put a facade that only I knew was fake. Everyone around me bought
it, so I started to believe it myself. The reality of the situation is that
inside; I was a very different person. I did my best to fit in, and act as a
normal kid should.
When I found something that let me escape my life, I latched
on to it. The reason I played video games so much? Nobody could see me, I could
act as my ideal self with fear of being judged, or feeling like I watched. This
intensified with the advent of online gaming and is a big reason I poured so
much of my time into it.
Honestly though… Baseball and soccer were two of the things
that I REALLY loved. My coaches had a huge impact on my life, and so did many
of my teammates. Yeah, I’m calling you guys out. You made a real difference in
my life.
The anxiety continued off and on for the better part of my
whole life, and it wasn’t getting any better. In fact, despite being on
medication it was worse than ever when I reached my lowest point.
Sitting in class, I thought back to just before I separated
from my ex-wife. At that point, the panic attacks, depression and just general
anxiety of life were almost too much to bear. I’d bounced the idea of suicide
around my head several times. I had a few ideas of how, but no real solid plan
at the moment that wouldn’t have caused a lot of grief and problems for my
family.
I was in the kitchen, washing dishes and I had a knife in my
hand. At that moment, I had an almost uncontrollable urge to point it at my
chest, and fall on it. I wanted it to be all over. I wanted to quit hurting. I
wanted the anxiety to go away. I wanted peace and quiet. I just wanted to be
gone. I started to shake and pointed the knife at myself and took a deep breath
and made my decision.
I dropped the knife, and picked up the phone. I called a
good friend of mine and told him I needed help as soon as he could get there.
Within
10 minutes, he was knocking on the door, and my ex-wife was asking who it was
at that late hour. She had no idea what had just occurred in the kitchen, and I
was so shaken, I hadn’t taken the time to explain to her what was happening.
I opened the door, and my friend Jeremy was standing there
with the deepest look of concern I had ever seen on another person face in my
behalf. I let him in, and by this time, the ex-wife had gotten dressed to see
what was going on. I remember the look of shock on her face as I explained to
her what had just happened in the kitchen and why Jeremy was there.
The three of us talked for over an hour. When Jeremy, my
ex-wife and I were satisfied that I posed no immediate danger to myself, and
the knives were locked away (My decision), he left. Not before giving me a
blessing of comfort (a prayer in my behalf for my non-religious friends) that I
would be able to handle this new stress and that I would know where to go from
there. He also gave me the number for the Texas Tech Psychology Clinic
The next morning, I got up, went to work and made the
hardest call of my life up to that point. I called the psychology clinic crisis
line and talked to someone while I was on break. I talked about how I was
feeling, and asked for resources. Jeremy had mentioned that there was a clinic
at Texas Tech and I was getting more information on that. I scheduled an
appointment, and that began me on the path to where I am today. (link to the
website and phone number are at the bottom)
My marriage fell apart, despite my best efforts. It was not
tied to this particular event, but was a result of a chain of events and that’s
a story for another time. Probably not actually, but we will see. My depression
and anxiety worsened.
I was in and out of the psychology clinic with varying
degrees of success. I’d have good days and weeks, then relapse and feel like I
had lost everything and had to start from scratch. I felt like I was banging my
head against the wall and going nowhere fast.
I changed careers from a call center to my current job at
Texas Tech. That alleviated a lot of the stress, but the anxiety and panic
attacks persisted. I hadn’t had any serious suicidal thoughts since that one
night. At this point it was at least 2 years prior. (I have not had any since
that event and it’s been probably 10+ years now)
Shortly after starting my new job, I got an email from Texas
Tech via their announcement bulletin and a portion of it caught my eye.
“Seeking people for an anxiety study” and “Is your panic and anxiety affecting
your day to day life? We’re looking for people for our study. Contact us for
more information” Little did I know that this email would change my life
completely.
It turns out that the study this particular group of
students was doing was on Anxiety and whether or not Cognitive Behavioral
Therapy would help provide extended relief. I was to complete a series of
sessions with my psychology Graduate Student, then after a year come back and
report on how my life was.
I spent the first 3 sessions talking with Kelly (who was my
assigned person) answering questions, filling out surveys, and doing general
interviews so that she could get in impression of where I was at, and what we
really needed to work on. At this point, I was almost positive that I was a
lost cause, and nothing was going to help.
A few sessions later, Kelly sat me down, and pulled out what
she described as a road map. She told me what she saw, what she thought were my
triggers, and how she thought that we might proceed. She then asked me what my
thoughts were on what she had told me. On the verge of tears, I told her that
she had managed to describe me down to basically a T. In 3 hours of work, she
knew me almost better than I did myself. I was stunned. That was the first ray
of hope for me.
During the next few sessions, we talked about exposure
therapy, mental imaging, black and white thinking, setting goals, making
schedules and exercising what I was learning. I spent a week writing down every
thought that came across my mind good, bad or otherwise. Whenever I experienced
anxiety or discomfort, I rated it and how long it lasted. I set a schedule with
new activities and time allotted for exposure therapy. I did a lot of work, and
a lot of growing.
After about 11 weeks of this, and other activities, Kelly
and I decided it was time for me to go off into the world. I walked out of her
office with head held high and I hadn’t had any significant anxiety in a month
and half.
I was cured!
So I stopped doing the exercises. I stopped holding myself
accountable. I stopped actively fighting then anxiety. Within about 6 months,
the anxiety and panic began to set back in. I was furious. I was so angry, and
hurt. I was supposed to be better than this. The thing is, I wasn’t promised
that this therapy would be a cure. I wasn’t promised that my anxiety would stay
away. I wasn’t promised anything at all. I had assumed. I had assumed it would
go away and stay away. I had assumed that this was a cure-all and that life
would be anxiety free. I realized at this moment that I had fooled myself, and
I vowed to change.
I began to do the exercises again. I pulled out the papers
that Kelly and I had worked so hard with. Sure enough, the anxiety began to go
away again, and within a month it was practically gone again. Everything was well
with the world again.
After the year had passed, I emailed Kelly for my follow up.
I went back in, and shared my experiences with her. I retook all the surveys
that she had given me. With a look of pride in her eyes, she told me that had I
been going in for the initial study interview that I would no longer qualify
for that particular study. She thanked me for my time, and after chatting a
bit, we parted ways. I never saw her again, and have no idea where she is now,
but I need to say this.
Kelly: Wherever you are, thank you for sending out that
email, and thank you for putting me to work on my anxiety. You have changed my
life and I am forever grateful.
So flashback to class. We’re sitting in there and all these
thoughts are running through my head. The time I considered suicide, all the
years of anxiety, the stress, and the anger, the frustrations. All of the bad
stuff just piled on and on and on. Then, we were done.
I left that class today feeling a heavy burden, yet I wasn’t
sure why. I was really bothered by this, so I took a few minutes to sit down
and really think about what I had been feeling. I sat down on the bench outside
the art building and texted my niece. I told her that I love her and that I was
thinking a lot about her. We chatted for a few minutes, and I looked up. The
sun was out; it was a beautiful day. I was warm and alive. I started to think
about the good things.
I recalled the moment when I went to a Blue October Concert
in Amarillo with Amber about 2 years ago and realized that I was further away
from home at that very moment than I had been in YEARS. I got a chance to meet
Justin Furstenfeld (the lead singer) after the concert and shared that moment
with him. It was truly amazing to see how touched he was when he realized what
that moment meant to me and for him to be included in it.
Leaving Lubbock and going somewhere else was simply not an
option for me. Going to the grocery store or Wal-Mart was about as far away
from home as I wanted to be.
A few weeks later, I was even further away from home. I went
to San Antonio for a wedding and spent a crazy weekend in the record setting
rainfall, and drove all over this beautiful state I live in.
More recently, I’ve been to Roswell with zero anxiety.
I can actually get into a car, and GO somewhere without being
crippled in fear. I’m not as afraid of people and new situations. Yes, I’m
still intimidated to a degree by members of the opposite sex, but that’s
something I’m still working on.
To this day, I still do my exercises. Is the panic and anxiety
totally gone? No. It’s mostly gone, but when it rears its ugly head, I’m ready
and willing to take it on with everything I have. Every now and then I lose,
but I realize that one failure out of hundreds of successes is not the end of
the world.
So the moral of this long story is this:
If you feel like you are alone, you’re not.
If you’re feeling suicidal, reach out to someone. I promise:
No matter how much you think you aren’t loved, or how much you feel like a
burden to someone, you’re not. YOU ARE LOVED.
If you feel crazy, and think no-one else knows what you’re
going through, I Promise: Someone out there does, and they are more than
willing to help you. CALL ME
If you feel like no-one cares about you, I Promise: I do. If
you’re reading this, you are important to me. Call me. Text me. Email me. Knock
on my front door. Whatever it takes. I am here for you.
Lastly: I love you guys and ladies. You make my world a
better place.
I’m putting down some of the contact and support numbers for
local and national because I feel it is important to share them. Please… If you
need help, Ask for it. Don’t be afraid. It may just change your life for the
good. I have to give credit to my Psychology Instructor Ashley who put all
these numbers together in a handy document she gave us.
National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
CONTACT Lubbock, Inc. is a local
crisis/suicide hotline that is 24/7, free, and confidential. This is a hotline
that has a Christian perspective. 806-765-8393
This is a link to the Psychology Clinic
at Tech. They do work with the University and the local community. It’s a great
service, and one that I have used personally before I worked at Tech. The
initial fee is $25, and after that, it’s on a sliding scale based on family
size, and income.
Women's Protective Services (WPS; 806-747-6491 or 806-736-6491) Website
Women's Protective Services (WPS) is a local non-profit organization aimed at advocating for women, children, and men in the area who have experienced domestic violence. These services are local, 24/7, free, and confidential. These services can include safe shelter, food, clothing, and transportation, support groups, parent education, children's programs, info about legal and medical services, and community education. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, they may call 806-747-691 OR 806-736-6491. The website also features a link on the top left corner that allows any visitor to leave the website quickly (for safety purposes).To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) Website
To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) is a non-profit organization aimed at de-stigmatizing and providing hope for mental health concerns including suicide, depression, anxiety, self-harm, and substance use/addiction. TWLOHA has a widely popular website that includes personal and inspirational blog posts that may provide connection and hope to those suffering with any aforementioned issues. This website also has a "Find Help" button that can provide resources in large metropolitan cities.I hope this post has been helpful. I hope that if you are suffering, that you'll take action. I love you guys.
