Epiphany!

I had an epiphany today while I was at work. I was in a classroom recording a lecture when it struck. I wanted to jump up and down for joy, and holler at the top of my lungs.

I've been wondering about the root cause of my mood swings lately, what has been causing them, why they hit when they do and what I want to do to prevent them.

In my moment of epiphany, I realized that I have been severely lacking in the hope department. Why? Here is what I came up with and how I discovered that I've been lacking hope. Over the past several years, I was in a harmful relationship. There was no hope there, no hope for things getting better, no hope for reconciliation. I lived in a dirty, messy house. I'd go home and all hope of a better life would be sucked out of me. I was also for a long time in a job that I hated, again, sucking the hope out of me. The only reason I stayed there was for my friend base.

Now— on to the mood swings. I realized I am addicted to Hope. The problem is, I had none of my own, so I would inevitably "feed" if you will off of the Hope I felt when others were around.

I have a friend that I hang out with quite frequently. She is full of hope. She has plans for her life, dreams that she wants to fulfill, and things that she wants to do. I find when I am around her, it is infectious. She saw a need when she came to visit one day, and said she would help me get my living situation better. Back In December, we started working together on improving the house that I live in. It is a lot cleaner now. When I come home, I see more clean than dirty and it gives me a little hope.

I have another friend who also has lots of hopes and dreams. He dreams of winning the lottery, he dreams of living in a better, quieter place. He has hope for better things. Again, when I would visit, I would feel the hope that he had and "feed" off of it to restore my own. He is now living in a better place and he is DOING something to make it better.

Recently, I've been trying to branch out a little bit. I'm not seeing as much of my friends as I was, and the feelings of hopelessness have settled in. As a result, I'm happy when i'm around these people, but not on my own, and the longer I'd go without seeing them, the worse it got.

POW! There's where the mood swings come in. I'm addicted to Hope. Not my own hope, but the Hope of other people and therein lies the problem. I've got to find my own hope. I've got to make my own source. I've got to become a Hope dealer rather than a hope druggie.

I hope that my hope dependency has not caused too much damage to my friends and I promise them this... I will start making my own. I may occasionally borrow, but I intend to give back as well. You can count on it!