This Blog

You know, one of the things that make blog writing difficult for me is that space of time between writing and hitting the post button.

Sometimes I worry that I've said too much, or not enough. I'm really trying to use this blog as a way for my friends and loved ones to get a picture of where I am, how I'm feeling and  how I am.

A couple of had an entire entry written out, gone back and changed it. I've gotten a comments in my email from people who have been reading and they have really helped me solve that riddle.

I'm going to share one of them. This came from a friend that I had the pleasure of working with for a while and genereally having fun with. She wrote:

"I've been reading your blog and have enjoyed it. I like that your not afraid to be real and speak your mind."

I also had one that told me in short to not give a crap what other people think and live the way I need to.

I've gotten a couple of really neat ones that I'm going to keep to myself for now, but the point is, I've decided. If I want to really share myself I've got to be all out honest and straitforward with this blog. You can expect to see me for who I am.

Like it or not... welcome to my world. :)

Insecurity

I found myself feeling very insecure this evening. I had a rough day at work, But I was bound and determined to make it work and walk out with a smile on my face. Sure enough, I did.

I came home, Ate dinner and sat for a bit. I'm not sure excactly what happened but all Of a sudden i began to feel very insignificant, alone and insecure. If you read my blog entry a few days ago, you'll know that I'm trying to be  a little better and let some of my anger go. It seems that I'm hitting one of those times that life is going good and all of a sudden, BAM...

Nothing went Bam though, and that's what confuses me. Luckily I have a good friend who lets me bounce things off of him. I spent roughly an hour or two talking with my friend Einstein tonight expressing some of my concerns and insecurites that I've been feeling. He reminded me that everyone experiences it, and he has dealt with a lot of the same things in his life.

Thank Goodness for good friends. Einstein, you're a good man and I'm happy to count you as one of my closest friends.

Now, I'm off to bed.

Today

Today was probably one of the best days I've had in a while. I walked tall, had fun, and enjoyed myself at work.

So in honor of a great day, I'm gonna keep this short. Here is some of the music I listend to today.

Beatles: Hey Jude
John Lennon: Imagine
Three Dog Night: Joy to the world (Jeremiah was a bullfrog!)
Marty Casey: Creep (By radiohead)
Journey: Open Arms
Europe: The Final Countdown
Def Leppard: Pour some Sugar on me
Phil Collins and NSync: Trashing the camp (From Tarzan)

That's just a sampling, but I've been literally all over the place musically today. I'm not inclined to play, but goodness, it's nice to listen!

I've been thinking

Let's start off with a word and perhaps that might explain where I've been and what I've been thinking about most of this weekend.

The word of the day is PONDER, and the following definition comes from dictionary.com

–verb (used without object)

1. to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate (often fol. by over  or upon ).

–verb (used with object)

2. to weigh carefully in the mind; consider thoughtfully: He pondered his next words thoroughly.

 

I've been pondering where I'm at in my life over the past few weeks and in particular over the past few days. I realize that I have changed a LOT over the past year. I've made some major life decisions and lived with the repercussions of those decisions. Do I regret those decisions? No. not at all. They have helped define me as who I am and who I will be.

 

One of the things I have been pondering over is why/how I can not seem to get myself to church (Not just my church but ANY church). Initially I stopped going when my wife and I seperated because I wanted to avoid the "Where did she go, and when is she coming back, and Are you getting a divorce" questions. Divorce in my religion tends to be looked at as a very last resort, and some people will never understand why anyone under any circumstances would go through a divorce. I saw it with my Mom, swore to myself I would never get married so I could avoid the pitfall of divorce.

 

Well, as we all know, life tends to throw things at you and I met and fell in love with a girl and got married. When I got married I swore to myself that no matter how bad things got, I would give it my all and under no circumstances would I get divorced. Well, almost 6 years later, I got a divorce.

 

I was miserable. I got angry at myself and my ex-wife. I got frustrated, and in truth, I got mad at God. Real Mad. Madder than I've ever been before in my life. In fact, in writing this right now I'm feeling a lot of emotions that I never thought I would, and I never thought that I would admit them publicly. This is a good thing.

 

Let me tell you a bit about what I know/belive about God.

 

1) God loves each and every one of us, wether we choose to see it or not.

2) God gives us the gift of making choices. Good ones, and Bad ones.

3) God expects us to live with the choices that we make and consequences that follow.

4) God is always right there just a step away, all we have to do is turn around and ask for His Presence.

5) God still performs miracles on a daily basis. I'm not just talking about things like the sun rising and setting, and the perfect balance of life on this rock. I'm talking full on biblical scale miracles. How do I know? I've seen and experienced them first hand. I've watched His influence in the lives of people I know and trust, even the ones that don't belive in Him as I do.

 

So knowing all this, Why Would I get mad at God and stop going to church? Well, it's complicated. Do I know that I am loved? Yes I do.

 

The problem is, that is seems the harder I try, The worse it gets. I've had my church clothes washed and ready to go for over a month. I set my alarm, Heck, I've even had people call me an hour beforehand so I am up, but it never seems to fail... I start not feeling well, or I roll over and go back to sleep.

 

I still pray. I still talk to God. I wonder at His miracles, but I just cannnot bring myself to get to church and I don't know why. Perhaps I just need to make a commitment to myself to go no matter what. I'm sure the roof wouldn't fall in on me.

 

They say admitting you have a problem is the first step in fixing it.

 

So here goes...

 

I'm Joseph, and I've been angry at God for far too long. I hope He will forgive me and give me the strength to be a better man.

What I've learned this week

I'm going to make this a Saturday tradition. A blog that I've read for a while has a weekly What I've learned this week post and I've decided that I'm going to steal just a little bit and do one of my own on Saturdays.

You can read the inspiration (And madness) over at http://nuckingfutsmama.com/ Be warned, This lady can be a little on the ummm risque? side for time to time, but it's always a good laugh.

So in Honor of NuckingFutsMama, here is MY version of "What I learned this week"

1) Driving to work takes longer than 20 minutes if you have to scrape your windows.
2) Blue Man Groups "Rods and Cones" is great for listening when you want to drive fast. Looked down and realized I was doing 80 and moving on up on the freeway coming home.
3) Plans are good, just be prepared to have a wrench thrown in them.
4) Sometimes thinking too much can get you into trouble.
5) Closing your internet down when the boss walks up and asks you a question tends to make it look like you are trying to hide something from them. (For me it simply means I want to give you my undivided attention)
6) Students Gradute and move on
7) *EDIT* Buying a wii and playing Michael Jackson The Experience with your friends equals great youtube footage! However not so great youtube comments SUCK. Video removed, if you want to see you're gonna have to see it in person from now on.
8) I should not be up this late on any day of the week
9) There is such a thing as TOO MUCH sleep
10) *Here is where I defer to the wisdom of NuckingFutsMama and I quote* Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

*EDIT* 11) Holy Cow... Mom was right. Sometimes the best thing I can do is shut up and Listen.

So what important things did YOU learn this week?

Blue Days

As most of my friends and coworkers know, I suffer from Depression and Anxiety. Normally it's not that much of a problem, and it hasn't been for a long while now, but every once in a while I have what I call a "Blue Day".

That's where I get moderatley depressed over nothing in General. Typically it happens once or twice a month and it turns out today was one of those days.

I woke up feeling fine, got to work feeling fine, sat down and realized that I've got student workers who are leaving soon that I really enjoy having around. One has left already, and the others are shortly to follow. Two are Graduating and moving on to bigger and hopefully better things in life. The others are going on Christmas break and will be back shortly afterward.

I've only known these guys (the graduating ones) for a little over a year but I'm sensing that there is going to be a hole in our deparment at work for quite some time. If you know me, I like to talk a little smack from time to time and not only can these guys take it, they are pretty darned skilled at giving it right back which is one of the reasons I enjoy going to work so much. It's gonna be hard to lose them, and I can only imagine what my Boss is going to be feeling as she has known and worked with these two for several years now.

The ones that are staying on and working with me are great. Don't get me wrong. I've felt this a few times when others have left for bigger and better things and it's something I'm going to have to get used to. Ahh Life, it stinks sometimes.

Mike and Kevin, I wish you guys the Best. Feel free to call me anytime.

Black Friday/Weekend Shopping

I decided the other day that I wanted to treat myself to a Wii. Not Just any Wii, but the new limited edition Red Wii with the New Mario brothers Game.

When I went Saturday morning to get it, I managed to talk myself out of it. As the day went on, I found myself thinking about it more and more.

It's only $169... It Comes with 2 games... It's such a pretty shade of red... It'd look good in my room... I could share games with my Brother in law... I could have friends over to play at a party... I have gift Certificates to best Buy...

Long story Short, I went to get it Saturday evening, and they were out of stock. Not a single one in the store. I was BUMMED. I asked if they could check in the back and see if they had one and the rep headed back that direction. In the meantime, I spied someone carrying one around with him. I decided I'd keep an eye on him and see if he took it out.

He put the console down on the shelf  to answer his cell phone and I was tempted to go get it, Walk off and claim the "Posession is nine tenths of the law" line to rationalize it. However, I realized that every time I turned it on or looked at it I'd remember how I got it and end up hating myself for it, so I waited for him to get off the phone and asked him if he was indeed going to buy it. He said he was and that was that.

In the meantime, the sales rep ended up behind the customer service counter helping other people and plain forgot about my wii problem. I wait for a few more minutes hoping deperatly that the rep would come back. Sadly he never did. I watched a few people play the kinect and wished I still had my 360. I was about to walk out when the unimginable happened.

All of a sudden, Mr Cell Phone wii man walked up, tapped me on the shoulder and said he decided he didn't want the wii after all and if I wanted it, he'd give it to me. I WAS FLOORED. You hear so many stories of horrible shopping on Black Friday and the weekend after that I never expected to walk out with a wii after I saw that they were out.

So Mr Cell-phone talking wii giver-upper, I salute you! You Made my day! Every time I play that Wii, I'll think of how you chose to give it to me rather than just putting it on the shelf and walking out. You are a good man, and will live in my memory every time I play.

Speaking of which... it's time to play!