It's the new year!

It's the new year! 2014! 2013 has come and gone. With it, all the good, and all the (thankfully little) bad.

It's time to set new goals, and I thought about setting a goal, to set no goals for a while this year and really think about what I wanted to do this year.

About a week ago, I was spending an evening with a  friend of mine, and she asked what I was looking forward to this year, and it really got me thinking. I told her I would have to think about it for a while, and think I did.

Last Monday, I woke up at 3AM in the middle of the night, and couldn't sleep. As I typically do, I started to think. Only this time, I REALLY thought. I thought about the last few years of my life, and how far I've been able to come. I thought about the ones that I've loved, the ones that passed on, and the friends and family I have here. I thought about my challenges with depression and anxiety and realized that I'm doing really well with it. I still have my off days, but that's the thing... They're DAYS and not weeks. When my anxiety acts up, it's typically a really intense flash that lasts about 2-3 minutes.

I was also finally able to get a major source of my anxiety defined over the holidays. I have inflammation of the cartilage in my chest which has been causing the random chest pains in odd places. Now that I have a name, I can fight it, and that has helped immensely in my anxiety fight.

So anyway, i was laying there, thinking about all of this, and I realized that this is going to be MY year. The Year of JOSEPH VERMILLION. Screw the year of the dragon, or whatever it is this year. This is MY year.

So how am I going to make it my year? I decided to set some goals while I lay awake that night. I laid down some big goals, and outlined the smaller ones that I will need to do in order to get the big ones.

Goals:
1) adjust and live my budget
2) Read 6 nonfiction books by the end of the year
3) TOP SECRET
4) Exercise at least 3 times a week
5) Improve my credit score

1) Some of you may recall that last year, I decided I wanted to live by a budget and save some money. Well, I have a budget... but I didn't quite live it. So this year, I'm buckling down and adjusting it and living it. I'm using Mint.com which is doneby the guys who run Quicken Loans, and it has a handy mobile app that lets me see exactly what and where my money is going.

2) I decided that I want to read more non-fiction this year. I want to spread out a bit as I typically read fiction/fantasy/sci-fi/Star Wars books. I decided on 6 as that will allow me two months to finish one book. I've already got a fantastic list of books picked out, so it is going to be a fun year in reading.

3) TOP SECRET : Well, as it says, this one is top secret. i don't want o jinx it, but there are three our four steps that I'm having to take to get it going. Those have been written down and are in my safe keeping. When I'm ready, this goal will be revealed. No, I'm not getting married anytime soon, so don't even worry about that!

4) exercise at least 3 times a week. I'm taking a serious look at the p90x3 set. The biggest thing that held me back from doing the original P90X was the length of the program... Most of them ran at around an hour. I have a hard time focusing on anything that isn't fun for that long, so the shorter format is really appealing to me. I already have a gym membership that I'm thinking of canceling if this new format works out for me.

5) I guess this one ties into goal number 1. When I got the loan to fix my fence, i found out my credit score is a little less than average. I also found some things on my credit report that shouldn't have been there, so I'm in the process of getting those fixed.

I have a really good feeling about my goals this year, and I feel that I'm going to be stretched the most by numbers 1, 3 and 4 the most.

It's going to be a great year. The YEAR OF JOE!

Been a while.

It's been a while since I last wrote, so I thought I'd throw something up while I work on my next entry. I wrote this a month or so ago, at a time when I was facing what I perceived to be a major problem in my life. Fortunately, it wasn't, but the timing on getting this out in the open is pretty good since we are only a few weeks from new years.

I call this, "It Hurts". Please do not copy this work without letting me know and giving proper credit. That's all I ask.

It Hurts!

 

The pain I feel is so real.

An ache, deep within.
Standing at a crossroad
Not sure of where to begin

 

To stay is to be torn,

To go is to be destroyed
To think about it makes it worse.
I don’t know what to do

 

One foot in front of the other,

Live one day at a time.
Life is such a journey,
One that I often despise.

 

To change is to grow.

To grow is to improve.
Improvement is never easy,
But why is it so damn hard?

 

It hurts, and I know it.

It never gets an easier.
The stupid, freaking crossroads
How I love them, and hate them…

 

All at the same time.

Sabotage

I wanted to talk a bit about sabotage today.

I had a thought occur to me the other day while I was at work. I suddenly sat straight up, realized I hadn't had any real anxiety in the last couple of days, and thought to my self... "Whoa. I haven't had any anxiety recently. what's wrong with me?" And, as you can expect, BAM... on came the anxiety. I was able to deal with it, but then the thought occurred to me.

"Did I just Sabotage myself?"

The definition of sabotage is listed on Dictionary.com as the following

Sabotage:
noun

1. any underhand interference with production, work, etc., in a plant, factory, etc., as by enemy agents during wartime or by employees during a trade dispute.

2. any undermining of a cause.

 

verb (used with object)

3.

to injure or attack by sabotage.

 

So not only, did I use sabotage as a NOUN which isn't bad, I used it as a VERB. An action. Which is VERY bad.

 

This puzzled me a bit, and so I went to a trusted friend of mine and told her what had just happened. She confirmed to me that I did indeed sabotage myself. She also kindly reminded me that not only are we our own worst critics, we are also the very best at sabotaging our progress. She gave me a pat on the back for recognizing the situation and a short pep talk. I am so grateful to have good friends at work. I highly recommend that you cultivate friendships at work if you have the chance.

 

Since then, anytime I start to recognize that I'm not feeling any anxiety I build myself up instead of sabotaging my efforts. Rather than asking what's wrong, I congratulate myself on a small victory. I've noticed a huge difference, and I'm finally feeling like the anxiety is mostly under control. I still have issues with anticipatory anxiety, meaning I tend to anticipate the worst outcome, but that is something I am working on.

 

One foot in front of the other, you vermillion-dollar man (or your own name) you! You can do it!

Acceptance

Many years ago, There was a cross stitch that hung in the laundry room in our house. It didn't matter where we moved, it almost always ended up on the wall in the Laundry room. It was a house and the script on it was a shortened version of the Serenity Prayer. The text reads as follows:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

The entire prayer can be seen here at http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html if you are interested. I'm mainly going to focus on the part that I posted and how it relates to my anxiety.

At my last Counseling session, the Counselor and I discussed the cycle of frustration that I have when my anxiety acts up. Here's how it goes.

Twinge of anxiety
Awareness of anxiety 
Attempt to divert anxiety
Frustration at feeling the anxiety
Worse twinge of anxiety
Then the cycle starts again. 

The more frustrated I get, the worse the anxiety typically gets. It comes in waves, and ebbs and flows, eventually either overcoming my efforts and escalating to a full blown panic attack, or going away slowly without the panic.

What we discussed was breaking the cycle by adding in acceptance of the anxiety rather than going on the offensive and getting frustrated, thereby making it worse. 

So this week, when I have felt anxiety, rather than getting frustrated with it, I have simply accepted the fact that it is there, and moved on. It has not been easy. It IS getting easier though.

This week at work, we moved several people into the new Burkhart Center for Autism research that is located next to the College of Education. Over the course of Monday and Tuesday, we moved and installed 13 PC's, installed 4 new ones, plus we also moved another 10 or so Internally in the College of Education today. So that's roughly 20-30 (if I missed any in my count) moves in a 3 day period. I did not move all the PC's by myself, I had the help of my coworkers, but I wanted to give an idea of the scale of the project.

My anxiety is typically at its very worst when I am surrounded by Chaos. Chaos you say? Sounds like this week has been a perfect storm for your anxiety. 

Yes, Indeed it was! 

Not only was I stressed about the moves, this is the first major move since I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I was totally unsure of how my sugars were going to react to all the physical activity, and as a result, that added to my anxiety. The last thing I wanted to do was pass out in the middle of the moves! Fortunately, I was vigilant and didn't have any sugar issues during the moves.

I DID have some anxiety, especially on the first day and the beginning of the second. After the session I had, I was anxious (ha ha) to implement what I had learned. So when I got the first flash of anxiety Tuesday morning, I was like, "Oh, hi there! I'm sorry, but I'm a bit busy here. If you don't mind, take a seat over there, and I'll be with you in a minute"

I had the twinge, the awareness, and then the acceptance of the anxiety.

I Accepted the Anxiety, had the Courage to try a new approach, and gained Wisdom when I succeeded in controlling the anxiety. In the end, I had peace and serenity and was able to do my work without any further issues. In fact, since I've been more acccepting of the anxiety, I've had far less problems dealing with it. Looking back at the Cognitive Based Therapy, acceptance was one of the things we talked about the most, and when I did accept the anxiety, I eventually owned it.

I think I'm going to be ok now. I have hope for the future, and look forward to exercising my new "acceptance muscle"! 

Not sure where to even begin

As the title says, I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been doing a lot of self reflecting this week, and thinking about a friend of mine.

Monday night, I saw a posting on Facebook about a friend of mine named Paul being in the ICU at the hospital and his family was asking for prayers. The next morning, I got up, and checked Facebook to see if there was any news. Sadly, there was, and I found out that Paul had passed away in the night.

I was stunned. Death in general has always caused me a bit of anxiety, and I have never quite figured out why. This time, it was different. I don't know why, but it was. There was no anxiety, only peace and concern that I felt for his family. I have always liked Paul's family, and I try to keep in touch with them on Facebook.

Paul is 8 years younger than I am. I met him at church when we moved here in 1989. We became friends over the years at church, and we talked frequently. The one thing that Paul always managed to do, and still does quite well, (I'm doing it right now actually) is make me smile like there is no tomorrow. Be it a snarky remark, a funny joke, clumsy moment, or a shared passion that we talked about, he was always enthusiastic.

He loved to play games. When we first started talking regularly at church he was into I think it was Warhammer. He'd bring me his newest acquisitions and tell me all about them. It was amazing to hear him talk about them. His eyes would light up, and he'd tell me about epic battles. Often, we would both miss classes at church because we got so involved talking we would lose track of the time.

After I started going to another congregation, we lost touch. I'd see him around town from time to time, and as always, he'd bring a smile to my face as we caught up and swapped stories.

Last night, a bunch of Paul's friends gathered at Mad Hatter's game shop for a cake. Hatter and Lissa (who I work with) had gotten Paul a birthday cake for their regular D&D night. I went, and spent some time with his family and other friends.

We talked, and laughed, and remembered Paul. His family insisted that we each choose a game that Paul had so that we would have something to remember him by. I chose one that I play regularly, and always have a good time with. When I sit down with friends to play, I know Paul will be smiling down, and hollering in my ear that we're playing wrong, and need to follow the rules. That's just who Paul is, and I will chuckle every time I play.

To Carol, Leslie, Adam, Patrick and Kimberly, I say this. Thank you for letting me be part of Paul's life. I will always remember him, and the good times that we had.

Paul, I'm going to miss you bud!

Rome and Anxiety

Rome wasn't built in a day, and things that have become habit, or second nature are not going to be beaten as fast as I want.

I've had to keep this in mind the last couple of week while I've struggled to get my anxiety back under control. I have it somewhat in check, but every time it flares up, I get frustrated. I had this thing well under control, then BAM, it was back... or so it would seem.

It occurs to me that my anxiety is a living breathing thing. It's my own personal monster. I had it locked away in a cage, and could keep it under control. Somehow, I allowed that cage to become weak. It didn't happen overnight, or I would have noticed it. Rather, it was much like a mouse. Gnawing and chewing away bits at a time when I wasn't paying attention. Just as it's escape was a long and difficult procedure, getting it back into the cage and then maintining the cage is going to be doubly hard.

I was in a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) program for about 7 months doing what I am doing now, for me to be able to get it under control. It's only been a month, or maybe even two since I started having regular flare ups. Each flare is different, but I have managed to keep most of them under control, or at least a manageable level that doesn't interfere with most of my life.

I'm doing my CBT exercises again, but I have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that as long as I keep fighting, I WILL have my Rome, and the anxiety will be under control again.

It's all about the experience

I was at the fair last week when my friends asked me if I regularly attended the fair when I was growing up. She was pretty shocked when i told her that this was only the third or fourth time in my life that I had been to a fair.

She asked why, and my explanation was probably not what she expected. No, it's not because large crowds make me nervous. No, it's not because I don't like the fair experience. It's plain and simple, I don't like doing things like that alone.

My family went maybe twice when I was growing up. both times it was insufferably crowded, hot and dusty. The rides were expensive, and I just didn't enjoy it at all.

She said her family went almost every year. I asked her why, and her answer kind of surprised me. She told me it was all about the experience. Watching the people, the sights, the sounds, the food, the getting away from it all. She also does not like the crowds, but she told me it's fun to watch people doing their thing.

After she said that, I took a look around in a new light. She's almost always right. Even when she's wrong, she's mostly right, and it is great to have another perspective. So, I'm trying to apply this to everything in my life. The Anxiety, The bad days, the good days and all the days in between. Sometimes it is far easier than others, but when you start something new, isn't that always the case?