A Conversation with my Anxious self

One of the tools that I learned about when I was in Cognitive Behavior Therapy for my anxiety, is taking an irrational thought, and turning it to a more positive, rational thought.

99% of the time, it works. When it doesn't I'm already past the point of reasonable recovery for that event, and I have to ride it out.

Let's look at an example of one that I had today. This will only make sense if you know I've been sick for well over a month with an ear infection that traveled down into my lungs and became Bronchitis. Since I have asthma as well, this is a double doozy.

Me: Man, My lungs hurt.
My Head: They hurt because you are dying, man. You're suffocating. (In case anyone is wondering, THIS is the irrational thought)
Me: What? Really?
My Head: Yeah man. Seriously. You're gonna pass out and die!
Me: No, That can't be right. I'm not suffocating. (this is me starting to replace the negative, irrational thought)
My Head: YES, YOU ARE!
Me: Ok, Then why am I not dizzy?
My Head: Uhhh, I dunno, but I know you're suffocating
Me: No I'm not! Number one, I'm not Dizzy. number two, I've been sick, so hurting a little bit as I get better is normal. Number three, My fingernails and lips are not blue. (Public service announcement: If either of those happen to an asthmatic, they're in trouble. Get a breathing treatment, a rescue inhaler and then get them to the ER ASAP)
My Head: You sure you're not suffocating?
Me: Yeah. I'm sure. Shut up, please.
My Head: Ok. *hangs his head and walks away*

That, in essence is what I try to do every time I feel a twinge of anxiety. It's working for me, so I thought I'd pass it along.

All this has happened before, and will happen again

I have decided that it is really in my best interest to start writing here again.

I think I’m going to do something different this time though. I think I’m going to include things I have written, ideas that I have and more. I think this will give you a better insight into who I am, what I deal with on a daily basis, and also my struggles and triumphs. I won’t always be positive, because that’s just who I am. I will be honest with you, and I think that’s what matters the most.

Since it has been a while, I thought I’d give you a quick recap of the last year or so.

• ·         Anxiety has been vanquished, only to return with a vengeance. I’m working on beating it back again, and have made huge strides in that area.

• ·         Depression is gone for the most part. I consider the fact that I have more days where I am not depressed/anxious a huge victory.

• ·         My roommate got married, added 3 to his family, and moved away.

• ·         I have pushed my comfort zone in a lot of areas.

• ·         I’m far more outspoken and willing to stand up for myself.

• ·         I walk tall, looking the world in the face which is huge for me because up until the last year and a half or so, I’d always look at the ground when I walked because I was so uncomfortable in my own skin.

• ·         I had two of my best friends move away. One was my roommate, the other was a friend above all else.

• ·         I’ve reconnected with a lot of my old friends from grade school and beyond.

• ·         I’ve read at LEAST 35 books in the past two years. Yes, I write them down in a list. Best part of this is that the majority of them are NOT Star Wars books.

• ·         My love of Star Wars has not diminished, but my urge to own all things related has.

• ·         I adopted a budget and spectacularly failed at living it, but I’m still working on that. The fact I usually have a few bucks left on the next payday is a step in the right direction

• ·         I have a pet who I love and adore, who loves me back.

• ·         Was diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes, and have kicked all kinds of butt in getting it under control with a diet change, and medication. I’m working on the exercise, but expect to have an added motivator to get out and walk often in the next few weeks. This does not mean I cannot have ANY sugar, rather, I have to watch what I eat.

• ·         I bought a manual reel mower which has encouraged me to keep the lawn mowed more often. If it gets too tall, I have to pull out the gas mower, masks and hazmat suits which is a pain in the rear. It works too, for the most part!

• ·         I’ve dropped well over 40 pounds of weight! I only have 15 more pounds to go to hit my ideal weight!

So that in a nutshell is what has been going on in my life since the last posting ages ago. Look forward to more in the near future!