The Last few days have been a whirlwind of activity for me. I've experienced every range of emotion and feelings, and even been taught a few lessons by the least likely of people.
Here are a few things I learned and experienced
1) Migraines suck, especially when you are used to having a 15-20 minute lead in time from Aura before it starts to hurt and you only had about 10 seconds this time.
2) Going out with friends you have not seen in a while is theraputic for the soul. (HI James, Sandra, Torrie and little one on the way... forgot your name and of course Mack. I told you you guys would be in my blog!)
3) Sometimes it takes getting angry in order to get better.
4) When God talks, you LISTEN... even if it happens in the most unusual ways and places.
5) Little childrens laughter is the best thing to hear in the world. (Another mention goes out to Torrie. You're a sweet girl.)
6) Standing in 90 degree heat for three hours to do something nice for a total stranger is AWESOME.
7) Talking to your niece over the phone is a lot of fun. I miss you Miss E
8) Sounding like a wimp on your voicemail is not a good thing. I need to change mine.
9) I Am Joseph Vermillion. Son of My Parents, Brother to my siblings, Uncle to my nieces and Nephew, friend, coworker and all around nice guy. It's nice to remember that.
10) Depsite what I think, God NEVER give me more than I can handle.
Sometimes, I get lost and forget who I am. Number 9 was presented to me by my sister, and reinforced by many others over the past week. Thanks for reminding me who I really am.
I love you guys! That even means you, the reader of this blog. I don't care who you are. I LOVE YOU!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Epiphany!
I've been wondering about the root cause of my mood swings lately, what has been causing them, why they hit when they do and what I want to do to prevent them.
In my moment of epiphany, I realized that I have been severely lacking in the hope department. Why? Here is what I came up with and how I discovered that I've been lacking hope. Over the past several years, I was in a harmful relationship. There was no hope there, no hope for things getting better, no hope for reconciliation. I lived in a dirty, messy house. I'd go home and all hope of a better life would be sucked out of me. I was also for a long time in a job that I hated, again, sucking the hope out of me. The only reason I stayed there was for my friend base.
Now— on to the mood swings. I realized I am addicted to Hope. The problem is, I had none of my own, so I would inevitably "feed" if you will off of the Hope I felt when others were around.
I have a friend that I hang out with quite frequently. She is full of hope. She has plans for her life, dreams that she wants to fulfill, and things that she wants to do. I find when I am around her, it is infectious. She saw a need when she came to visit one day, and said she would help me get my living situation better. Back In December, we started working together on improving the house that I live in. It is a lot cleaner now. When I come home, I see more clean than dirty and it gives me a little hope.
I have another friend who also has lots of hopes and dreams. He dreams of winning the lottery, he dreams of living in a better, quieter place. He has hope for better things. Again, when I would visit, I would feel the hope that he had and "feed" off of it to restore my own. He is now living in a better place and he is DOING something to make it better.
Recently, I've been trying to branch out a little bit. I'm not seeing as much of my friends as I was, and the feelings of hopelessness have settled in. As a result, I'm happy when i'm around these people, but not on my own, and the longer I'd go without seeing them, the worse it got.
POW! There's where the mood swings come in. I'm addicted to Hope. Not my own hope, but the Hope of other people and therein lies the problem. I've got to find my own hope. I've got to make my own source. I've got to become a Hope dealer rather than a hope druggie.
I hope that my hope dependency has not caused too much damage to my friends and I promise them this... I will start making my own. I may occasionally borrow, but I intend to give back as well. You can count on it!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sweet Emotion?
You know, There is a funny thing that I have been thinking over and over recently in regards to my bouts with depression and anxiety.
Sometimes I wish I was Vulcan like Spock in Star Trek. To be able to completely shut out your emotions would be nice from time to time. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that if I were to turn off all emotions, and never feel anything the worse things would be for me. I mentioned this to a friend of mine and she was quick to point out that Spock was not able to forgo ALL of his emotions and often felt very deeply about things. There are plenty of instances where he showed his emotion and struggled to work through it. I began to feel that to sacrifice all feelings and emotions would be to completely destroy and sacrifice the person that I am today.
I have always been a deeply emotional person. I tend to wear them out on a sleeve where everyone can see and react. I don't know where I learned it, it just happened. I remember beeing deeply emotional as a child. I was closer to my mother than my father as he was often away. Maybe that's why.
This is going to be a real shocker. I cry. Sometimes over major things, sometimes over minor things. Sometimes I cry over nothing just to feel better. Hey, if Jesus can do it then I see no reason why I shouldn't be able to. I don't just cry when I am down either. Give me a good tearjerker movie and I'll be boo hooing with the best of them.
Today has just been a whirlwind of feelings and emotions for me. I feel good, Then I feel bad, then I feel happy, and now I am sad. It's all part of the circle of my life and something I have to learn to deal with. The point is, I'm trying to learn to control this, but part of me wants to simply let my emotions go and feel nothing but again, it would betray everything that I am.
I helped a friend move today just in town, but I find myself dealing with a sense of loss. I'm not sure why. He's not going anywhere, but it's going to be different for sure. I'll have to drive 10 minutes to see him instead of 5. Whoop De Woo.
I don't even know why I decided to write all this, it just feels good to get it out and clear my head. Now I'm off to hit the showers. Moving things makes you sweaty. I'm also gonna call my niece. She always makes me laugh.
Sometimes I wish I was Vulcan like Spock in Star Trek. To be able to completely shut out your emotions would be nice from time to time. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that if I were to turn off all emotions, and never feel anything the worse things would be for me. I mentioned this to a friend of mine and she was quick to point out that Spock was not able to forgo ALL of his emotions and often felt very deeply about things. There are plenty of instances where he showed his emotion and struggled to work through it. I began to feel that to sacrifice all feelings and emotions would be to completely destroy and sacrifice the person that I am today.
I have always been a deeply emotional person. I tend to wear them out on a sleeve where everyone can see and react. I don't know where I learned it, it just happened. I remember beeing deeply emotional as a child. I was closer to my mother than my father as he was often away. Maybe that's why.
This is going to be a real shocker. I cry. Sometimes over major things, sometimes over minor things. Sometimes I cry over nothing just to feel better. Hey, if Jesus can do it then I see no reason why I shouldn't be able to. I don't just cry when I am down either. Give me a good tearjerker movie and I'll be boo hooing with the best of them.
Today has just been a whirlwind of feelings and emotions for me. I feel good, Then I feel bad, then I feel happy, and now I am sad. It's all part of the circle of my life and something I have to learn to deal with. The point is, I'm trying to learn to control this, but part of me wants to simply let my emotions go and feel nothing but again, it would betray everything that I am.
I helped a friend move today just in town, but I find myself dealing with a sense of loss. I'm not sure why. He's not going anywhere, but it's going to be different for sure. I'll have to drive 10 minutes to see him instead of 5. Whoop De Woo.
I don't even know why I decided to write all this, it just feels good to get it out and clear my head. Now I'm off to hit the showers. Moving things makes you sweaty. I'm also gonna call my niece. She always makes me laugh.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Interesting!
So it seems that demons do not like it when you decide that you are going to cast them out and away.
Reason I say this is that in the past three days since I've decided to make a serious honest effort at making changes in my life, I have been more seriously depressed than I have been in years.
The past three mornings I have gotten up so depressed it took everything I had to get ready for work, drive to work and walk across campus. It was also so bad, it took everything I had to get home, and just function as a basic human being. I wanted to be in bed, alone, so no one could see me or say anything to me about it. Life just generally sucked. Eating? meh. Overrated. Getting out and doing things? meh. Overrated. Being with friends? Forget about it. Watching a Star Wars movie? meh... overrated (And that is saying A LOT all things considered)
My friends and coworkers took notice. More than one pulled me off to the side to ask what was bugging me. One of them simply took a look at me and said that she had never seen me that upset before and wanted to know what she could do to help. Some of them sympathised and others told me simply basic things to try and cheer me up.
I'm not loking for a pity party. I'm also not acting out for attention. I'm simply fighting a war, and I've lost the last three days worth of battles. I am depressed, and that demon does not want to go away easily. They say the first step to recovery is admission right? Well, I've taken one step and put my other foot forward.
I'm finally feeling better, I go tomorrow to talk to my counselor and work some things out. It's going to be an interesting day for sure.
I'll be sure to keep you guys updated.
Reason I say this is that in the past three days since I've decided to make a serious honest effort at making changes in my life, I have been more seriously depressed than I have been in years.
The past three mornings I have gotten up so depressed it took everything I had to get ready for work, drive to work and walk across campus. It was also so bad, it took everything I had to get home, and just function as a basic human being. I wanted to be in bed, alone, so no one could see me or say anything to me about it. Life just generally sucked. Eating? meh. Overrated. Getting out and doing things? meh. Overrated. Being with friends? Forget about it. Watching a Star Wars movie? meh... overrated (And that is saying A LOT all things considered)
My friends and coworkers took notice. More than one pulled me off to the side to ask what was bugging me. One of them simply took a look at me and said that she had never seen me that upset before and wanted to know what she could do to help. Some of them sympathised and others told me simply basic things to try and cheer me up.
I'm not loking for a pity party. I'm also not acting out for attention. I'm simply fighting a war, and I've lost the last three days worth of battles. I am depressed, and that demon does not want to go away easily. They say the first step to recovery is admission right? Well, I've taken one step and put my other foot forward.
I'm finally feeling better, I go tomorrow to talk to my counselor and work some things out. It's going to be an interesting day for sure.
I'll be sure to keep you guys updated.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
It's been far loo long
It's been far too long since I've sat down and blogged. One reason for this is that one of my friends asked me why I would hang my dirty laundry out for everyone to see. The question kind of took me back, and made me think who, in their right mind, would honestly want to read a blog where a person shares their daily struggles, thoughts and insights.
I thought to myself, "Well, YOU do, because it helps you know that you are not alone, and that others DO honestly feel and go through some of the same things you do, and you can glean a lot of good information." Not only that, Blogging helps me sort things out. One of the things I have never been very good at is journaling. One of the biggest things that I wish I HAD done as a younger person was journaling. I did from time to time, and on occasion, I go back and look and remember the good and bad times, and the lessons I've learned.
I've decided that, good, bad or ugly, this blog is going to go on. Sometimes I will not share specifics or peoples names and circumstances may be changed to protect the innocent (or guilty). Others, be prepared for all out no holds barred action.
Most of you know, or have come to know over the past few months or entries, that I suffer from Depression and Anxiety problems. These are more like personal demons than problems. I call them demons because they torment me. They cause hurt, destruction and despair to myself and the others around me. They are evil.
The thing about these demons is that they are OLD demons. Looking back, I first started having depression and anxiety issues around the time I turned 8. I'm 36, so that means those particular demons are 28 years old. These are demons I am not going to be able to beat easily. It's going to take hard work. Granted, I have my days when they poke their fingers, or worm their ways inot my conscience and existence and I lose horribly. The problem is that those days have become far too often, and I'm tired of it. I'm not just tired of it, I'm DAMN tired of it. I'm so tired of it that I can't stand it.
Luckily, I've been given an opportunity to swing back at these demons. A couple of months ago, there was a notice sent out about a clinical study going on at Texas Tech's Psychology department. They are studying the effect of Cognitive Based Thereapy in the treatment of People with Anxiety and Depression. Seeing this an an opportunity I couldn't afford to miss out on, I signed up.
Over the past few months I've been meeting with someone, talking about my anxiety and depression, their origins, my earliest memories of how and when, and things I've been doing to cope. Anytime I felt depressed or anxious I had to document it. I had to rate it, write down what I was feeling, what I thought triggered it and more. I've had to take a HARD, HONEST look at myself. I see things I don't like. I see things I want to change. I see things that plain and simply scare myself to death.
The demons Depression and Axiety have been part of my life for so long, I simply cannot remember what it is like to live without them. In all honesty, I'm terrified of what life will be without them. However... I am CHOOSING to go ahead and fight them. I will eventually win. I will eventually be able to do things without worrying to death over what may or may not happen.
A week or two ago, the person I am seeing to help me through the study sat down with me and gave me her input on what she has been seeing, and observing. What she said simply amazed me beyond words. A person that I talked to for no more than 6-8 hours was able to describe myself BETTER than I was able to.
I left that room in Awe. I left that room with hope. I left that room amazed that someone else was able to see what I had been screaming out silently for years. Over the next few weeks, we gather some more data, then I begin what's described as the "hard part" which is the actual Cognitive Therapy. I have no idea what to expect, but I look forward to it. I anxiously await it. I LONG for it.
I will be Free. When I am, I will be able to echo the words albeit in a far different context than Martin Luther King Jr said them in. "Free at last; free at last; thank God Almighty (I am) we are free at last."
I thought to myself, "Well, YOU do, because it helps you know that you are not alone, and that others DO honestly feel and go through some of the same things you do, and you can glean a lot of good information." Not only that, Blogging helps me sort things out. One of the things I have never been very good at is journaling. One of the biggest things that I wish I HAD done as a younger person was journaling. I did from time to time, and on occasion, I go back and look and remember the good and bad times, and the lessons I've learned.
I've decided that, good, bad or ugly, this blog is going to go on. Sometimes I will not share specifics or peoples names and circumstances may be changed to protect the innocent (or guilty). Others, be prepared for all out no holds barred action.
Most of you know, or have come to know over the past few months or entries, that I suffer from Depression and Anxiety problems. These are more like personal demons than problems. I call them demons because they torment me. They cause hurt, destruction and despair to myself and the others around me. They are evil.
The thing about these demons is that they are OLD demons. Looking back, I first started having depression and anxiety issues around the time I turned 8. I'm 36, so that means those particular demons are 28 years old. These are demons I am not going to be able to beat easily. It's going to take hard work. Granted, I have my days when they poke their fingers, or worm their ways inot my conscience and existence and I lose horribly. The problem is that those days have become far too often, and I'm tired of it. I'm not just tired of it, I'm DAMN tired of it. I'm so tired of it that I can't stand it.
Luckily, I've been given an opportunity to swing back at these demons. A couple of months ago, there was a notice sent out about a clinical study going on at Texas Tech's Psychology department. They are studying the effect of Cognitive Based Thereapy in the treatment of People with Anxiety and Depression. Seeing this an an opportunity I couldn't afford to miss out on, I signed up.
Over the past few months I've been meeting with someone, talking about my anxiety and depression, their origins, my earliest memories of how and when, and things I've been doing to cope. Anytime I felt depressed or anxious I had to document it. I had to rate it, write down what I was feeling, what I thought triggered it and more. I've had to take a HARD, HONEST look at myself. I see things I don't like. I see things I want to change. I see things that plain and simply scare myself to death.
The demons Depression and Axiety have been part of my life for so long, I simply cannot remember what it is like to live without them. In all honesty, I'm terrified of what life will be without them. However... I am CHOOSING to go ahead and fight them. I will eventually win. I will eventually be able to do things without worrying to death over what may or may not happen.
A week or two ago, the person I am seeing to help me through the study sat down with me and gave me her input on what she has been seeing, and observing. What she said simply amazed me beyond words. A person that I talked to for no more than 6-8 hours was able to describe myself BETTER than I was able to.
I left that room in Awe. I left that room with hope. I left that room amazed that someone else was able to see what I had been screaming out silently for years. Over the next few weeks, we gather some more data, then I begin what's described as the "hard part" which is the actual Cognitive Therapy. I have no idea what to expect, but I look forward to it. I anxiously await it. I LONG for it.
I will be Free. When I am, I will be able to echo the words albeit in a far different context than Martin Luther King Jr said them in. "Free at last; free at last; thank God Almighty (I am) we are free at last."
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