It's been far loo long

It's been far too long since I've sat down and blogged. One reason for this is that one of my friends asked me why I would hang my dirty laundry out for everyone to see. The question kind of took me back, and made me think who, in their right mind, would honestly want to read a blog where a person shares their daily struggles, thoughts and insights.

I thought to myself, "Well, YOU do, because it helps you know that you are not alone, and that others DO honestly feel and go through some of the same things you do, and you can glean a lot of good information." Not only that, Blogging helps me sort things out. One of the things I have never been very good at is journaling. One of the biggest things that I wish I HAD done as a younger person was journaling. I did from time to time, and on occasion, I go back and look and remember the good and bad times, and the lessons I've learned.

I've decided that, good, bad or ugly, this blog is going to go on. Sometimes I will not share specifics or peoples names and circumstances may be changed to protect the innocent (or guilty). Others, be prepared for all out no holds barred action.

Most of you know, or have come to know over the past few months or entries, that I suffer from Depression and Anxiety problems. These are more like personal demons than problems. I call them demons because they torment me. They cause hurt, destruction and despair to myself and the others around me. They are evil.

The thing about these demons is that they are OLD demons. Looking back, I first started having depression and anxiety issues around the time I turned 8. I'm 36, so that means those particular demons are 28 years old. These are demons I am not going to be able to beat easily. It's going to take hard work. Granted, I have my days when they poke their fingers, or worm their ways inot my conscience and existence and I lose horribly. The problem is that those days have become far too often, and I'm tired of it. I'm not just tired of it, I'm DAMN tired of it. I'm so tired of it that I can't stand it.

Luckily, I've been given an opportunity to swing back at these demons. A couple of months ago, there was a notice sent out about a clinical study going on at Texas Tech's Psychology department. They are studying the effect of Cognitive Based Thereapy in the treatment of People with Anxiety and Depression. Seeing this an an opportunity I couldn't afford to miss out on, I signed up.

Over the past few months I've been meeting with someone, talking about my anxiety and depression, their origins, my earliest memories of how and when, and things I've been doing to cope. Anytime I felt depressed or anxious I had to document it. I had to rate it, write down what I was feeling, what I thought triggered it and more. I've had to take a HARD, HONEST look at myself. I see things I don't like. I see things I want to change. I see things that plain and simply scare myself to death.

The demons Depression and Axiety have been part of my life for so long, I simply cannot remember what it is like to live without them. In all honesty, I'm terrified of what life will be without them. However... I am CHOOSING to go ahead and fight them. I will eventually win. I will eventually be able to do things without worrying to death over what may or may not happen.

A week or two ago, the person I am seeing to help me through the study sat down with me and gave me her input on what she has been seeing, and observing. What she said simply amazed me beyond words. A person that I talked to for no more than 6-8 hours was able to describe myself BETTER than I was able to.

I left that room in Awe. I left that room with hope. I left that room amazed that someone else was able to see what I had been screaming out silently for years.  Over the next few weeks, we gather some more data, then I begin what's described as the "hard part" which is the actual Cognitive Therapy. I have no idea what to expect, but I look forward to it. I anxiously await it. I LONG for it.

I will be Free. When I am, I will be able to echo the words albeit in a far different context than Martin Luther King Jr said them in.  "Free at last; free at last; thank God Almighty (I am) we are free at last."