Been a while.

It's been a while since I last wrote, so I thought I'd throw something up while I work on my next entry. I wrote this a month or so ago, at a time when I was facing what I perceived to be a major problem in my life. Fortunately, it wasn't, but the timing on getting this out in the open is pretty good since we are only a few weeks from new years.

I call this, "It Hurts". Please do not copy this work without letting me know and giving proper credit. That's all I ask.

It Hurts!

 

The pain I feel is so real.

An ache, deep within.
Standing at a crossroad
Not sure of where to begin

 

To stay is to be torn,

To go is to be destroyed
To think about it makes it worse.
I don’t know what to do

 

One foot in front of the other,

Live one day at a time.
Life is such a journey,
One that I often despise.

 

To change is to grow.

To grow is to improve.
Improvement is never easy,
But why is it so damn hard?

 

It hurts, and I know it.

It never gets an easier.
The stupid, freaking crossroads
How I love them, and hate them…

 

All at the same time.

Sabotage

I wanted to talk a bit about sabotage today.

I had a thought occur to me the other day while I was at work. I suddenly sat straight up, realized I hadn't had any real anxiety in the last couple of days, and thought to my self... "Whoa. I haven't had any anxiety recently. what's wrong with me?" And, as you can expect, BAM... on came the anxiety. I was able to deal with it, but then the thought occurred to me.

"Did I just Sabotage myself?"

The definition of sabotage is listed on Dictionary.com as the following

Sabotage:
noun

1. any underhand interference with production, work, etc., in a plant, factory, etc., as by enemy agents during wartime or by employees during a trade dispute.

2. any undermining of a cause.

 

verb (used with object)

3.

to injure or attack by sabotage.

 

So not only, did I use sabotage as a NOUN which isn't bad, I used it as a VERB. An action. Which is VERY bad.

 

This puzzled me a bit, and so I went to a trusted friend of mine and told her what had just happened. She confirmed to me that I did indeed sabotage myself. She also kindly reminded me that not only are we our own worst critics, we are also the very best at sabotaging our progress. She gave me a pat on the back for recognizing the situation and a short pep talk. I am so grateful to have good friends at work. I highly recommend that you cultivate friendships at work if you have the chance.

 

Since then, anytime I start to recognize that I'm not feeling any anxiety I build myself up instead of sabotaging my efforts. Rather than asking what's wrong, I congratulate myself on a small victory. I've noticed a huge difference, and I'm finally feeling like the anxiety is mostly under control. I still have issues with anticipatory anxiety, meaning I tend to anticipate the worst outcome, but that is something I am working on.

 

One foot in front of the other, you vermillion-dollar man (or your own name) you! You can do it!

Acceptance

Many years ago, There was a cross stitch that hung in the laundry room in our house. It didn't matter where we moved, it almost always ended up on the wall in the Laundry room. It was a house and the script on it was a shortened version of the Serenity Prayer. The text reads as follows:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

The entire prayer can be seen here at http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html if you are interested. I'm mainly going to focus on the part that I posted and how it relates to my anxiety.

At my last Counseling session, the Counselor and I discussed the cycle of frustration that I have when my anxiety acts up. Here's how it goes.

Twinge of anxiety
Awareness of anxiety 
Attempt to divert anxiety
Frustration at feeling the anxiety
Worse twinge of anxiety
Then the cycle starts again. 

The more frustrated I get, the worse the anxiety typically gets. It comes in waves, and ebbs and flows, eventually either overcoming my efforts and escalating to a full blown panic attack, or going away slowly without the panic.

What we discussed was breaking the cycle by adding in acceptance of the anxiety rather than going on the offensive and getting frustrated, thereby making it worse. 

So this week, when I have felt anxiety, rather than getting frustrated with it, I have simply accepted the fact that it is there, and moved on. It has not been easy. It IS getting easier though.

This week at work, we moved several people into the new Burkhart Center for Autism research that is located next to the College of Education. Over the course of Monday and Tuesday, we moved and installed 13 PC's, installed 4 new ones, plus we also moved another 10 or so Internally in the College of Education today. So that's roughly 20-30 (if I missed any in my count) moves in a 3 day period. I did not move all the PC's by myself, I had the help of my coworkers, but I wanted to give an idea of the scale of the project.

My anxiety is typically at its very worst when I am surrounded by Chaos. Chaos you say? Sounds like this week has been a perfect storm for your anxiety. 

Yes, Indeed it was! 

Not only was I stressed about the moves, this is the first major move since I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I was totally unsure of how my sugars were going to react to all the physical activity, and as a result, that added to my anxiety. The last thing I wanted to do was pass out in the middle of the moves! Fortunately, I was vigilant and didn't have any sugar issues during the moves.

I DID have some anxiety, especially on the first day and the beginning of the second. After the session I had, I was anxious (ha ha) to implement what I had learned. So when I got the first flash of anxiety Tuesday morning, I was like, "Oh, hi there! I'm sorry, but I'm a bit busy here. If you don't mind, take a seat over there, and I'll be with you in a minute"

I had the twinge, the awareness, and then the acceptance of the anxiety.

I Accepted the Anxiety, had the Courage to try a new approach, and gained Wisdom when I succeeded in controlling the anxiety. In the end, I had peace and serenity and was able to do my work without any further issues. In fact, since I've been more acccepting of the anxiety, I've had far less problems dealing with it. Looking back at the Cognitive Based Therapy, acceptance was one of the things we talked about the most, and when I did accept the anxiety, I eventually owned it.

I think I'm going to be ok now. I have hope for the future, and look forward to exercising my new "acceptance muscle"! 

Not sure where to even begin

As the title says, I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been doing a lot of self reflecting this week, and thinking about a friend of mine.

Monday night, I saw a posting on Facebook about a friend of mine named Paul being in the ICU at the hospital and his family was asking for prayers. The next morning, I got up, and checked Facebook to see if there was any news. Sadly, there was, and I found out that Paul had passed away in the night.

I was stunned. Death in general has always caused me a bit of anxiety, and I have never quite figured out why. This time, it was different. I don't know why, but it was. There was no anxiety, only peace and concern that I felt for his family. I have always liked Paul's family, and I try to keep in touch with them on Facebook.

Paul is 8 years younger than I am. I met him at church when we moved here in 1989. We became friends over the years at church, and we talked frequently. The one thing that Paul always managed to do, and still does quite well, (I'm doing it right now actually) is make me smile like there is no tomorrow. Be it a snarky remark, a funny joke, clumsy moment, or a shared passion that we talked about, he was always enthusiastic.

He loved to play games. When we first started talking regularly at church he was into I think it was Warhammer. He'd bring me his newest acquisitions and tell me all about them. It was amazing to hear him talk about them. His eyes would light up, and he'd tell me about epic battles. Often, we would both miss classes at church because we got so involved talking we would lose track of the time.

After I started going to another congregation, we lost touch. I'd see him around town from time to time, and as always, he'd bring a smile to my face as we caught up and swapped stories.

Last night, a bunch of Paul's friends gathered at Mad Hatter's game shop for a cake. Hatter and Lissa (who I work with) had gotten Paul a birthday cake for their regular D&D night. I went, and spent some time with his family and other friends.

We talked, and laughed, and remembered Paul. His family insisted that we each choose a game that Paul had so that we would have something to remember him by. I chose one that I play regularly, and always have a good time with. When I sit down with friends to play, I know Paul will be smiling down, and hollering in my ear that we're playing wrong, and need to follow the rules. That's just who Paul is, and I will chuckle every time I play.

To Carol, Leslie, Adam, Patrick and Kimberly, I say this. Thank you for letting me be part of Paul's life. I will always remember him, and the good times that we had.

Paul, I'm going to miss you bud!

Rome and Anxiety

Rome wasn't built in a day, and things that have become habit, or second nature are not going to be beaten as fast as I want.

I've had to keep this in mind the last couple of week while I've struggled to get my anxiety back under control. I have it somewhat in check, but every time it flares up, I get frustrated. I had this thing well under control, then BAM, it was back... or so it would seem.

It occurs to me that my anxiety is a living breathing thing. It's my own personal monster. I had it locked away in a cage, and could keep it under control. Somehow, I allowed that cage to become weak. It didn't happen overnight, or I would have noticed it. Rather, it was much like a mouse. Gnawing and chewing away bits at a time when I wasn't paying attention. Just as it's escape was a long and difficult procedure, getting it back into the cage and then maintining the cage is going to be doubly hard.

I was in a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) program for about 7 months doing what I am doing now, for me to be able to get it under control. It's only been a month, or maybe even two since I started having regular flare ups. Each flare is different, but I have managed to keep most of them under control, or at least a manageable level that doesn't interfere with most of my life.

I'm doing my CBT exercises again, but I have to keep reminding myself that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that as long as I keep fighting, I WILL have my Rome, and the anxiety will be under control again.

It's all about the experience

I was at the fair last week when my friends asked me if I regularly attended the fair when I was growing up. She was pretty shocked when i told her that this was only the third or fourth time in my life that I had been to a fair.

She asked why, and my explanation was probably not what she expected. No, it's not because large crowds make me nervous. No, it's not because I don't like the fair experience. It's plain and simple, I don't like doing things like that alone.

My family went maybe twice when I was growing up. both times it was insufferably crowded, hot and dusty. The rides were expensive, and I just didn't enjoy it at all.

She said her family went almost every year. I asked her why, and her answer kind of surprised me. She told me it was all about the experience. Watching the people, the sights, the sounds, the food, the getting away from it all. She also does not like the crowds, but she told me it's fun to watch people doing their thing.

After she said that, I took a look around in a new light. She's almost always right. Even when she's wrong, she's mostly right, and it is great to have another perspective. So, I'm trying to apply this to everything in my life. The Anxiety, The bad days, the good days and all the days in between. Sometimes it is far easier than others, but when you start something new, isn't that always the case?

I've been debating the last few days about what should be next in my blog. I've talked a bit about my anxiety, things I've been doing around the house and that's mostly it.

I decided that I'd just toss out a short update out.

Kitchen is still clean. Longest I've gone without doing any dishes has been overnight. I found a way of making chicken stirfry/fajita meat that I really enjoy. I slice up two small chicken breasts, a medium size onion, and two green bell peppers.

I toss in the veggies with a bit of Extra Virgin olive oil, some crushed garlic, salt and a bit of cracked pepper. I sautee them until they start to get soft. I then toss in the chicken which i also lightly salt and pepper. I cook it until the chicken is done, and the onions are transparent. It comes out pretty good, and the best thing is, i usually have enough leftovers for lunch the next day. It goes real good with re-fried beans!

The budget is coming along. I'm REALLY focusing on cooking more at the house and not going out. I figured it up last month and I'm ASHAMED at how much I've been spending on going out to get my sandwiches instead of making them myself. Although, that wheat bread from Jimmy Johns is pretty amazing.

I'm down to 197 pounds from 250 in December. I lost a lot of weight without really knowing why, and that, in addition to some other things lead to my Type 2 Diabetes diagnosis. When I was diagnosed, I weighed in around 225, so I've managed to keep losing, albeit at a much slower rate. I'm eating healthier, and drinking only Diet drinks and water, so that's helping. I've had maybe three regular sodas since the diagnosis, and they are so sweet, they actually make me ill. I only use them as a last resort when my sugar is low, or if there is nothing else around to drink and I need the caffeine. Coffee and I do not agree, so I tend to avoid it. I never really understood before now, why the Ladies like to have their weight loss noticed, but after having several Ladies who have known me for a while tell me I look so much better with the weight loss, I can tell you. They like it because it feels so DAMN good!

Oh yeah, saw the Dr, and he said my A1C came back good enough to only see me every 6 months now. I'm still waiting on the paperwork with the actual numbers, but I was pretty stoked at hearing it from the office directly.

My anxiety still comes and goes. It's a constant battle, but after having seen a major improvement over the past few weeks with only a couple of setbacks, I'm feeling pretty good about it.

It the realm of fun things, one of my friends on Facebook is a graphic designer and has created a deck of photographic playing cards. he has put the project up on kickstarter, and I'd really appreciate it you'd go over and take a look. Even if you don't back it, feel free to pass the word along to your card playing friends. It's a high quality product and I can't wait to get mine!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/pmkane/foto-grafis-a-photographic-twist-on-playing-cards?ref=live

Thanks for Listening, children! (Bonus points to whomever gets the reference in this sentence!)

Cleaning Up

If you've known me very long, then you know I am not the most organized person in the world. Often, I let things go until they get out of hand, then I spent forever digging myself out of what seems like an insurmountable amount of work. Whether it be dishes, laundry, the garbage, or cleaning my room, I will be the first to tell you...

I SUCK AT CLEANING. I'm far better at maintaining until I let it slip.

Some of you may know that I have been sick with one thing or another over the past month or so. What started out at a massive ear infection, turned into sinusitis which went down into my lungs and became Bronchitis. Honestly, it wouldn't have surprised me if it had progressed further to Pneumonia had I not gotten to the doctor any sooner. Reason I say that is that my lungs have been hurting like nothing I've felt since my last tango with pneumonia several years ago. That was not a fun trip.

ANYWAY, Back to the subject. As far as cleaning goes, I'd let things slide a bit since I wasn't feeling well. as you can imagine, things began to pile up. Being a single guy, I don't really use a lot of dishes, but when you let them pile up, it becomes a huge task. They wrapped from the counter by my sink all the way around to the refrigerator. I didn't have a single clean plate, piece of silverware or cup in the house.

Last weekend, I got into a good mood, and started to clean. I got most of the dishes done, and vacuumed my hall and part of my living room. This gave me a great start for this weekend.  spent 3 solid hours today working in the kitchen wrapping up the rest of the dishes, and the rest in the living room moving all my furniture, vacuuming and cleaning as I went. The cleaner things got, the better I felt. it's kind of addicting.

I hung some art I had done, and one of my grandmothers on one of the walls. I think it looks great, and it certainly adds a bit of color to my house. I've got plans for the hallway next, but I really need to get some frames for the art that will be going there..

My next big project is my room. I have a path from my door to my bathroom and my bed. That's about as much navigating as I can do in there at the moment, but that's on my list for tomorrow!

Cleaning has been tough, but the feeling of satisfaction I've been getting as I look around at my clean house has been well worth it! Maybe I'm on to something here...

A Conversation with my Anxious self

One of the tools that I learned about when I was in Cognitive Behavior Therapy for my anxiety, is taking an irrational thought, and turning it to a more positive, rational thought.

99% of the time, it works. When it doesn't I'm already past the point of reasonable recovery for that event, and I have to ride it out.

Let's look at an example of one that I had today. This will only make sense if you know I've been sick for well over a month with an ear infection that traveled down into my lungs and became Bronchitis. Since I have asthma as well, this is a double doozy.

Me: Man, My lungs hurt.
My Head: They hurt because you are dying, man. You're suffocating. (In case anyone is wondering, THIS is the irrational thought)
Me: What? Really?
My Head: Yeah man. Seriously. You're gonna pass out and die!
Me: No, That can't be right. I'm not suffocating. (this is me starting to replace the negative, irrational thought)
My Head: YES, YOU ARE!
Me: Ok, Then why am I not dizzy?
My Head: Uhhh, I dunno, but I know you're suffocating
Me: No I'm not! Number one, I'm not Dizzy. number two, I've been sick, so hurting a little bit as I get better is normal. Number three, My fingernails and lips are not blue. (Public service announcement: If either of those happen to an asthmatic, they're in trouble. Get a breathing treatment, a rescue inhaler and then get them to the ER ASAP)
My Head: You sure you're not suffocating?
Me: Yeah. I'm sure. Shut up, please.
My Head: Ok. *hangs his head and walks away*

That, in essence is what I try to do every time I feel a twinge of anxiety. It's working for me, so I thought I'd pass it along.

All this has happened before, and will happen again

I have decided that it is really in my best interest to start writing here again.

I think I’m going to do something different this time though. I think I’m going to include things I have written, ideas that I have and more. I think this will give you a better insight into who I am, what I deal with on a daily basis, and also my struggles and triumphs. I won’t always be positive, because that’s just who I am. I will be honest with you, and I think that’s what matters the most.

Since it has been a while, I thought I’d give you a quick recap of the last year or so.

• ·         Anxiety has been vanquished, only to return with a vengeance. I’m working on beating it back again, and have made huge strides in that area.

• ·         Depression is gone for the most part. I consider the fact that I have more days where I am not depressed/anxious a huge victory.

• ·         My roommate got married, added 3 to his family, and moved away.

• ·         I have pushed my comfort zone in a lot of areas.

• ·         I’m far more outspoken and willing to stand up for myself.

• ·         I walk tall, looking the world in the face which is huge for me because up until the last year and a half or so, I’d always look at the ground when I walked because I was so uncomfortable in my own skin.

• ·         I had two of my best friends move away. One was my roommate, the other was a friend above all else.

• ·         I’ve reconnected with a lot of my old friends from grade school and beyond.

• ·         I’ve read at LEAST 35 books in the past two years. Yes, I write them down in a list. Best part of this is that the majority of them are NOT Star Wars books.

• ·         My love of Star Wars has not diminished, but my urge to own all things related has.

• ·         I adopted a budget and spectacularly failed at living it, but I’m still working on that. The fact I usually have a few bucks left on the next payday is a step in the right direction

• ·         I have a pet who I love and adore, who loves me back.

• ·         Was diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes, and have kicked all kinds of butt in getting it under control with a diet change, and medication. I’m working on the exercise, but expect to have an added motivator to get out and walk often in the next few weeks. This does not mean I cannot have ANY sugar, rather, I have to watch what I eat.

• ·         I bought a manual reel mower which has encouraged me to keep the lawn mowed more often. If it gets too tall, I have to pull out the gas mower, masks and hazmat suits which is a pain in the rear. It works too, for the most part!

• ·         I’ve dropped well over 40 pounds of weight! I only have 15 more pounds to go to hit my ideal weight!

So that in a nutshell is what has been going on in my life since the last posting ages ago. Look forward to more in the near future!