Risks

There is an old saying I'd like to refer to in tonight's blog entry. Part of me worries sometimes about what I write in this blog, (too much, not enough, etc) but I've decided to forget it and just write. Naysayers be darned.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

How true it is. Back in December I posted about how I wanted to start taking some more caluclated risks in my life and reasons why I hadn't in the past. Tonight, I was feeling especially brave after a session with my counselor who has committed me to facing some of my fears and working through them.

What I had planned to do later in the week came spilling out tonight as my friend and I talked about what has been going on in our lives. This particular friend is a female, one of the few female friends that I have and one that I have grown close to over the past few months. I've been troubled over the feelings that I was having as when we began hanging out we defined ourselves as strictly being friends only and I was beginning to have stronger feelings and had the impression that she might as well.

Over the course of several months, I'll admit... I got a little more than slightly confused at what I was experiencing. I saw things, and heard things that at one moment would make my heart leap in joy and in another writhe in agony. I felt today like I had reached a breaking point. I went to said friends house and told her exactly how I was feeling, how I felt about said friend and listened to what she had to say in return fearing that I was about lose a very good friend.

As we talked, it became clear the feelings were not mutual and she and I decided we will continue to be friends. I risked losing a friend and because of how I approached the situation and listened with mutual respect I walked out of the house a few hours later with a clear head, clear conscience and STILL with a good friend whom I respect and care for.

I can walk a little taller today because I faced a very real and deep fear. The fear of losing a great friendship and also that fear of how I would handle things if they went sour so to speak. Both fears were met, handled and resolved in a way I feel real good about. I can go to sleep tonight with a clear head and face the world tomorrow with a better attitude. I can also not kick myself for holding my tounge and spending an entire lifetime wishing I had said something.

I feel so ALIVE.