It's been far too long since I've sat down and blogged. One reason for this is that one of my friends asked me why I would hang my dirty laundry out for everyone to see. The question kind of took me back, and made me think who, in their right mind, would honestly want to read a blog where a person shares their daily struggles, thoughts and insights.
I thought to myself, "Well, YOU do, because it helps you know that you are not alone, and that others DO honestly feel and go through some of the same things you do, and you can glean a lot of good information." Not only that, Blogging helps me sort things out. One of the things I have never been very good at is journaling. One of the biggest things that I wish I HAD done as a younger person was journaling. I did from time to time, and on occasion, I go back and look and remember the good and bad times, and the lessons I've learned.
I've decided that, good, bad or ugly, this blog is going to go on. Sometimes I will not share specifics or peoples names and circumstances may be changed to protect the innocent (or guilty). Others, be prepared for all out no holds barred action.
Most of you know, or have come to know over the past few months or entries, that I suffer from Depression and Anxiety problems. These are more like personal demons than problems. I call them demons because they torment me. They cause hurt, destruction and despair to myself and the others around me. They are evil.
The thing about these demons is that they are OLD demons. Looking back, I first started having depression and anxiety issues around the time I turned 8. I'm 36, so that means those particular demons are 28 years old. These are demons I am not going to be able to beat easily. It's going to take hard work. Granted, I have my days when they poke their fingers, or worm their ways inot my conscience and existence and I lose horribly. The problem is that those days have become far too often, and I'm tired of it. I'm not just tired of it, I'm DAMN tired of it. I'm so tired of it that I can't stand it.
Luckily, I've been given an opportunity to swing back at these demons. A couple of months ago, there was a notice sent out about a clinical study going on at Texas Tech's Psychology department. They are studying the effect of Cognitive Based Thereapy in the treatment of People with Anxiety and Depression. Seeing this an an opportunity I couldn't afford to miss out on, I signed up.
Over the past few months I've been meeting with someone, talking about my anxiety and depression, their origins, my earliest memories of how and when, and things I've been doing to cope. Anytime I felt depressed or anxious I had to document it. I had to rate it, write down what I was feeling, what I thought triggered it and more. I've had to take a HARD, HONEST look at myself. I see things I don't like. I see things I want to change. I see things that plain and simply scare myself to death.
The demons Depression and Axiety have been part of my life for so long, I simply cannot remember what it is like to live without them. In all honesty, I'm terrified of what life will be without them. However... I am CHOOSING to go ahead and fight them. I will eventually win. I will eventually be able to do things without worrying to death over what may or may not happen.
A week or two ago, the person I am seeing to help me through the study sat down with me and gave me her input on what she has been seeing, and observing. What she said simply amazed me beyond words. A person that I talked to for no more than 6-8 hours was able to describe myself BETTER than I was able to.
I left that room in Awe. I left that room with hope. I left that room amazed that someone else was able to see what I had been screaming out silently for years. Over the next few weeks, we gather some more data, then I begin what's described as the "hard part" which is the actual Cognitive Therapy. I have no idea what to expect, but I look forward to it. I anxiously await it. I LONG for it.
I will be Free. When I am, I will be able to echo the words albeit in a far different context than Martin Luther King Jr said them in. "Free at last; free at last; thank God Almighty (I am) we are free at last."
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I'm blue
It seems to me that as of late, I've had far more blue days than happy go lucky days. It really kind of bothers me that this is the case. I'm trying to stay positive, but there are just so many things that I allow to drag me down.
There seems to be an ongoing theme in my life as of late. It's called making choices.
I think it was Sir Issac newton that once said "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" and that seems to be very true in my life as of late.
I'm tired more frequently, so I go to bed earlier. Since I'm sleeping more, I find it more diffivult to get up so I choose to hit the snooze button, and end up racing to work.
I want to work out, but I choose to sit on the chair and do nothing about it.
I want to be positive, but I choose to let negative emotions take over once they start. Once those negative emotions start, I tend to distance myself from those around me who I value. When i distancve myself from them, I begin to feel lonely. Sometimes, I feel like I could be in a room full of people and still feel like the only one there. Other times, I feel like I would be the life of the party... You know the guy who is dacning around on the tablewith the lamp shade on his head or some other absurd thing.
I'm not sure why I feel this way, but it really bothers me. Someone suggested I go to church conference, I went, enjoyed it, and then got upset. I went to a session last night. I enjoyed 99% of it, but found myself upset at the end. Why? Because I CHOSE to be upset and let it bother me.
Sometimes, I just don't know...
There seems to be an ongoing theme in my life as of late. It's called making choices.
I think it was Sir Issac newton that once said "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" and that seems to be very true in my life as of late.
I'm tired more frequently, so I go to bed earlier. Since I'm sleeping more, I find it more diffivult to get up so I choose to hit the snooze button, and end up racing to work.
I want to work out, but I choose to sit on the chair and do nothing about it.
I want to be positive, but I choose to let negative emotions take over once they start. Once those negative emotions start, I tend to distance myself from those around me who I value. When i distancve myself from them, I begin to feel lonely. Sometimes, I feel like I could be in a room full of people and still feel like the only one there. Other times, I feel like I would be the life of the party... You know the guy who is dacning around on the tablewith the lamp shade on his head or some other absurd thing.
I'm not sure why I feel this way, but it really bothers me. Someone suggested I go to church conference, I went, enjoyed it, and then got upset. I went to a session last night. I enjoyed 99% of it, but found myself upset at the end. Why? Because I CHOSE to be upset and let it bother me.
Sometimes, I just don't know...
Friday, April 1, 2011
TGIF
You know, I'm a really lucky person. I'm not bragging, but rather giving thanks for being an all around lucky guy. How am I lucky?
I have FANTASTIC friends. Friends I can talk to almost any hour of the night and any day of the week that respect me and value my friendship and input.
I LOVE my job. Not everyone gets to wake up excited about going to work. This past week has been a struggle with all the negative emotions and feelings that I've had to deal with, but I've recognized what the problem is and I'm dealing with it. Depression Flat out sucks, and it's even worse when you forget your meds for an extended period of time.
I have food in my fridge and a roof over my head. I also have a bed in said house that keeps me warm enough at night that I don't freeze to death.
I have enough to provide for myself and sometimes for the people around me on the rare occaision I take someone out to dinner or a movie... sometimes both.
I've spent the last hour or so working on a project that my friend and I started back in December. It's not there yet, but I assure you, it's coming along and i feel fantastic about the direction i'm headed. Once I finish this little project I will have everyone over to celebrate and maybe mess it up a bit. Oh yeah, I need a grill first. Muah ha ha.
Well, I suppose I better get back on the ball and do a little more work.
I have FANTASTIC friends. Friends I can talk to almost any hour of the night and any day of the week that respect me and value my friendship and input.
I LOVE my job. Not everyone gets to wake up excited about going to work. This past week has been a struggle with all the negative emotions and feelings that I've had to deal with, but I've recognized what the problem is and I'm dealing with it. Depression Flat out sucks, and it's even worse when you forget your meds for an extended period of time.
I have food in my fridge and a roof over my head. I also have a bed in said house that keeps me warm enough at night that I don't freeze to death.
I have enough to provide for myself and sometimes for the people around me on the rare occaision I take someone out to dinner or a movie... sometimes both.
I've spent the last hour or so working on a project that my friend and I started back in December. It's not there yet, but I assure you, it's coming along and i feel fantastic about the direction i'm headed. Once I finish this little project I will have everyone over to celebrate and maybe mess it up a bit. Oh yeah, I need a grill first. Muah ha ha.
Well, I suppose I better get back on the ball and do a little more work.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
It's been too long.
It's been too long since I've posted on my blog. I know it, I'll admit it, and I'll do better.
Dreams have always played an important role in my life. I'm not talking the figurative dream, I'm talking the full on, sound asleep dream. The kind that most of us forget about after a few minutes. Why? I have no idea. I've always thought that my deams could tell me a little about myself and pose as a way (this has actually been proven BTW) to let my unconscious self talk to my conscious self and work problems out.
For me, more often than not, the energy and emotion from the dreams carry over. Many years ago I had a recurring dream of my wedding. It's kind of odd, I know but hear me out. I was in a church I had never seen before (or yet) and surrounded by friends. Some of them I recognized, and some I didn't. Turns out some of them I've met over the course of my life and remembered that they were present in this dream. (Don't tell me that I can't dream of a person I've never met... it happens despite what the Scientests will tell you) When it came down for the ceremony, my bride to be walked down the aisle, and I went to lift her veil. When I did however, There was no face. No features, just a blank slate. When I woke up, the feeling of awe, love, excitement and joy carried over. This went on for about a week. That was one of the best weeks of my life. i was more productive, active and excited about life. I felt that dream was a confirmation that at that time, I was where I needed to be and doing what I needed to be doing in order to excel.
On the other hand, I've had some doozies as of late. Most of you all know that my Father passed away in December. Last night I had a dream I wish I could forget about, but it is eating away at me even as I type. I dreamed that my father decided to fake his own death. That somehow he was able to pull it off, and decided to show up on my doorstep expecting a warm welcome and a home cooked meal. I know that is not the case adn the dream was not real, but the emotion I felt is. I was angry, hurt, upset and just downright depressed. I've buried my Father and moved on, but some reason, it just feels like he wormed his way back into my life for just a few hours simply to mess with my head. My father and I didn't have the best of relationships and he didn't understand a lot of things about me that many of my friends do. He seemed to take it as a personal insult when I told him I could not handle the drive to Amarillo to visit him because of my anxiety. No Dad, you just didn't understand. You never saw what they did to me. You never saw the after effects, and how it physically and emotionally drained me. In fact, I had an attack just a few hours ago... Kind of interesting...
Anyway, I enjoy dreaming the good dreams and try to forget the bad ones. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it though. In fact, I'm heading to bed early tonight just because I can.
Dreams have always played an important role in my life. I'm not talking the figurative dream, I'm talking the full on, sound asleep dream. The kind that most of us forget about after a few minutes. Why? I have no idea. I've always thought that my deams could tell me a little about myself and pose as a way (this has actually been proven BTW) to let my unconscious self talk to my conscious self and work problems out.
For me, more often than not, the energy and emotion from the dreams carry over. Many years ago I had a recurring dream of my wedding. It's kind of odd, I know but hear me out. I was in a church I had never seen before (or yet) and surrounded by friends. Some of them I recognized, and some I didn't. Turns out some of them I've met over the course of my life and remembered that they were present in this dream. (Don't tell me that I can't dream of a person I've never met... it happens despite what the Scientests will tell you) When it came down for the ceremony, my bride to be walked down the aisle, and I went to lift her veil. When I did however, There was no face. No features, just a blank slate. When I woke up, the feeling of awe, love, excitement and joy carried over. This went on for about a week. That was one of the best weeks of my life. i was more productive, active and excited about life. I felt that dream was a confirmation that at that time, I was where I needed to be and doing what I needed to be doing in order to excel.
On the other hand, I've had some doozies as of late. Most of you all know that my Father passed away in December. Last night I had a dream I wish I could forget about, but it is eating away at me even as I type. I dreamed that my father decided to fake his own death. That somehow he was able to pull it off, and decided to show up on my doorstep expecting a warm welcome and a home cooked meal. I know that is not the case adn the dream was not real, but the emotion I felt is. I was angry, hurt, upset and just downright depressed. I've buried my Father and moved on, but some reason, it just feels like he wormed his way back into my life for just a few hours simply to mess with my head. My father and I didn't have the best of relationships and he didn't understand a lot of things about me that many of my friends do. He seemed to take it as a personal insult when I told him I could not handle the drive to Amarillo to visit him because of my anxiety. No Dad, you just didn't understand. You never saw what they did to me. You never saw the after effects, and how it physically and emotionally drained me. In fact, I had an attack just a few hours ago... Kind of interesting...
Anyway, I enjoy dreaming the good dreams and try to forget the bad ones. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it though. In fact, I'm heading to bed early tonight just because I can.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Risks
There is an old saying I'd like to refer to in tonight's blog entry. Part of me worries sometimes about what I write in this blog, (too much, not enough, etc) but I've decided to forget it and just write. Naysayers be darned.
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."
How true it is. Back in December I posted about how I wanted to start taking some more caluclated risks in my life and reasons why I hadn't in the past. Tonight, I was feeling especially brave after a session with my counselor who has committed me to facing some of my fears and working through them.
What I had planned to do later in the week came spilling out tonight as my friend and I talked about what has been going on in our lives. This particular friend is a female, one of the few female friends that I have and one that I have grown close to over the past few months. I've been troubled over the feelings that I was having as when we began hanging out we defined ourselves as strictly being friends only and I was beginning to have stronger feelings and had the impression that she might as well.
Over the course of several months, I'll admit... I got a little more than slightly confused at what I was experiencing. I saw things, and heard things that at one moment would make my heart leap in joy and in another writhe in agony. I felt today like I had reached a breaking point. I went to said friends house and told her exactly how I was feeling, how I felt about said friend and listened to what she had to say in return fearing that I was about lose a very good friend.
As we talked, it became clear the feelings were not mutual and she and I decided we will continue to be friends. I risked losing a friend and because of how I approached the situation and listened with mutual respect I walked out of the house a few hours later with a clear head, clear conscience and STILL with a good friend whom I respect and care for.
I can walk a little taller today because I faced a very real and deep fear. The fear of losing a great friendship and also that fear of how I would handle things if they went sour so to speak. Both fears were met, handled and resolved in a way I feel real good about. I can go to sleep tonight with a clear head and face the world tomorrow with a better attitude. I can also not kick myself for holding my tounge and spending an entire lifetime wishing I had said something.
I feel so ALIVE.
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."
How true it is. Back in December I posted about how I wanted to start taking some more caluclated risks in my life and reasons why I hadn't in the past. Tonight, I was feeling especially brave after a session with my counselor who has committed me to facing some of my fears and working through them.
What I had planned to do later in the week came spilling out tonight as my friend and I talked about what has been going on in our lives. This particular friend is a female, one of the few female friends that I have and one that I have grown close to over the past few months. I've been troubled over the feelings that I was having as when we began hanging out we defined ourselves as strictly being friends only and I was beginning to have stronger feelings and had the impression that she might as well.
Over the course of several months, I'll admit... I got a little more than slightly confused at what I was experiencing. I saw things, and heard things that at one moment would make my heart leap in joy and in another writhe in agony. I felt today like I had reached a breaking point. I went to said friends house and told her exactly how I was feeling, how I felt about said friend and listened to what she had to say in return fearing that I was about lose a very good friend.
As we talked, it became clear the feelings were not mutual and she and I decided we will continue to be friends. I risked losing a friend and because of how I approached the situation and listened with mutual respect I walked out of the house a few hours later with a clear head, clear conscience and STILL with a good friend whom I respect and care for.
I can walk a little taller today because I faced a very real and deep fear. The fear of losing a great friendship and also that fear of how I would handle things if they went sour so to speak. Both fears were met, handled and resolved in a way I feel real good about. I can go to sleep tonight with a clear head and face the world tomorrow with a better attitude. I can also not kick myself for holding my tounge and spending an entire lifetime wishing I had said something.
I feel so ALIVE.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Things I learned this week
Gonna keep it short and sweet today
1) Physical inventory makes EVERYONE in the office cranky
2) Physical inventory is Mind-numbing after a couple of hours. I understand know why the guys would come in after a few hours with a blank stare on their face and highly unresponsive.
3) Complaining about physical inventory does no good, but it sure is fun at times. (now for isntance)
4) Despite Physical Inventory, I STILL love my job
5) Gas Prices are outrageous, but at least I don't have to pay $9 a gallon or more like in some places in the world.
6) Good friends are priceless.
7) Relaxation at the end of the day is good.
8) Picking up old hobbies is fun
9) Cleaning is good for the Mind and Soul, and it also can be fun. (OMGosh, did I just say THAT?)
10) Despite what I think, God does not give me more than I can handle. Even during Physical Inventory time.
1) Physical inventory makes EVERYONE in the office cranky
2) Physical inventory is Mind-numbing after a couple of hours. I understand know why the guys would come in after a few hours with a blank stare on their face and highly unresponsive.
3) Complaining about physical inventory does no good, but it sure is fun at times. (now for isntance)
4) Despite Physical Inventory, I STILL love my job
5) Gas Prices are outrageous, but at least I don't have to pay $9 a gallon or more like in some places in the world.
6) Good friends are priceless.
7) Relaxation at the end of the day is good.
8) Picking up old hobbies is fun
9) Cleaning is good for the Mind and Soul, and it also can be fun. (OMGosh, did I just say THAT?)
10) Despite what I think, God does not give me more than I can handle. Even during Physical Inventory time.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The long awaited update
First of all, let me apologize for the extreme length of time that has passsed since my last entry. When i started this up, I had decided that it would be an every day to two for updates. Well, as you can tell it's been MANY of those.
First of all an update as to what has been going on in my life.
Work is good. It is physical inventory time which makes everyone VERY cranky in our department. We have to go and physically check every piece of equipment in the Entire College of Education building. Some people don't mind it, and others, well, lets just say they can be a bit on the extreme side of Cranky.
Dad Passed in December and we had his memorial in early February to allow family members to make it in from all ends of the continent. It was short, simple and to the point which is what Dad would have wanted.
Personal life, well lets just say interesting and move to the main portion of my entry.
One of my biggest fears in life is that I'm going to become that cranky, white haired old man that everyone is afraid of with the cane and or walker that bites everyone head off. Turns out (Unfortunately) that I'm well down the road of the Cranky and negative path. Part of the reason that I hadn't updated this blog is that it seemed to me that most everything in my life was heading the way of the dumpster.
You could say something like "It's a beautiful day out" and I would find some way to interpret it as meaning that you hated my guts and didn't want me around. It got so bad that it began to affect my job and my personal relationships. I'm not afraid to admit this... I've started to see a counselor to help me work through some of the negative things I've been dealing with. I fell like I've made some progression and some of the people I am closest to are noticing a difference. That makes me happy.
The kicker of this is that the other day, I had a friend call me and asked me to simply talk positive with her for 10 minutes. She had had a very rough day and was needing to hear some good. I was stumped. What in the world did I have to be happy about? I'd had a bad day and wasn't feeling well. It was a long rough 10 minutes for me, but we made it through. Right then and there I decided I've had enough with the negative and I'm looking for the positive.
I had a real doozy with this the other day when I went downstairs to the Lounge and went to get my lunch. Turns out, someone was hungry and decided they needed it more than I did. There was my negative moment that I needed to turn into a positive. The good thing? I got to walk across the street and get chicken strips which I hadn't had in a while. A bit of fresh air and a short walk ended up making me feel better than I had all day.
Long story short... Every negative has a positive somewhere... you've just got to find it.
Oh, and look for more updates soon.
Joseph
First of all an update as to what has been going on in my life.
Work is good. It is physical inventory time which makes everyone VERY cranky in our department. We have to go and physically check every piece of equipment in the Entire College of Education building. Some people don't mind it, and others, well, lets just say they can be a bit on the extreme side of Cranky.
Dad Passed in December and we had his memorial in early February to allow family members to make it in from all ends of the continent. It was short, simple and to the point which is what Dad would have wanted.
Personal life, well lets just say interesting and move to the main portion of my entry.
One of my biggest fears in life is that I'm going to become that cranky, white haired old man that everyone is afraid of with the cane and or walker that bites everyone head off. Turns out (Unfortunately) that I'm well down the road of the Cranky and negative path. Part of the reason that I hadn't updated this blog is that it seemed to me that most everything in my life was heading the way of the dumpster.
You could say something like "It's a beautiful day out" and I would find some way to interpret it as meaning that you hated my guts and didn't want me around. It got so bad that it began to affect my job and my personal relationships. I'm not afraid to admit this... I've started to see a counselor to help me work through some of the negative things I've been dealing with. I fell like I've made some progression and some of the people I am closest to are noticing a difference. That makes me happy.
The kicker of this is that the other day, I had a friend call me and asked me to simply talk positive with her for 10 minutes. She had had a very rough day and was needing to hear some good. I was stumped. What in the world did I have to be happy about? I'd had a bad day and wasn't feeling well. It was a long rough 10 minutes for me, but we made it through. Right then and there I decided I've had enough with the negative and I'm looking for the positive.
I had a real doozy with this the other day when I went downstairs to the Lounge and went to get my lunch. Turns out, someone was hungry and decided they needed it more than I did. There was my negative moment that I needed to turn into a positive. The good thing? I got to walk across the street and get chicken strips which I hadn't had in a while. A bit of fresh air and a short walk ended up making me feel better than I had all day.
Long story short... Every negative has a positive somewhere... you've just got to find it.
Oh, and look for more updates soon.
Joseph
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