The word of the day is PONDER, and the following definition comes from dictionary.com
–verb (used without object)
1. to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate (often fol. by over or upon ).
–verb (used with object)
2. to weigh carefully in the mind; consider thoughtfully: He pondered his next words thoroughly.
I've been pondering where I'm at in my life over the past few weeks and in particular over the past few days. I realize that I have changed a LOT over the past year. I've made some major life decisions and lived with the repercussions of those decisions. Do I regret those decisions? No. not at all. They have helped define me as who I am and who I will be.
One of the things I have been pondering over is why/how I can not seem to get myself to church (Not just my church but ANY church). Initially I stopped going when my wife and I seperated because I wanted to avoid the "Where did she go, and when is she coming back, and Are you getting a divorce" questions. Divorce in my religion tends to be looked at as a very last resort, and some people will never understand why anyone under any circumstances would go through a divorce. I saw it with my Mom, swore to myself I would never get married so I could avoid the pitfall of divorce.
Well, as we all know, life tends to throw things at you and I met and fell in love with a girl and got married. When I got married I swore to myself that no matter how bad things got, I would give it my all and under no circumstances would I get divorced. Well, almost 6 years later, I got a divorce.
I was miserable. I got angry at myself and my ex-wife. I got frustrated, and in truth, I got mad at God. Real Mad. Madder than I've ever been before in my life. In fact, in writing this right now I'm feeling a lot of emotions that I never thought I would, and I never thought that I would admit them publicly. This is a good thing.
Let me tell you a bit about what I know/belive about God.
1) God loves each and every one of us, wether we choose to see it or not.
2) God gives us the gift of making choices. Good ones, and Bad ones.
3) God expects us to live with the choices that we make and consequences that follow.
4) God is always right there just a step away, all we have to do is turn around and ask for His Presence.
5) God still performs miracles on a daily basis. I'm not just talking about things like the sun rising and setting, and the perfect balance of life on this rock. I'm talking full on biblical scale miracles. How do I know? I've seen and experienced them first hand. I've watched His influence in the lives of people I know and trust, even the ones that don't belive in Him as I do.
So knowing all this, Why Would I get mad at God and stop going to church? Well, it's complicated. Do I know that I am loved? Yes I do.
The problem is, that is seems the harder I try, The worse it gets. I've had my church clothes washed and ready to go for over a month. I set my alarm, Heck, I've even had people call me an hour beforehand so I am up, but it never seems to fail... I start not feeling well, or I roll over and go back to sleep.
I still pray. I still talk to God. I wonder at His miracles, but I just cannnot bring myself to get to church and I don't know why. Perhaps I just need to make a commitment to myself to go no matter what. I'm sure the roof wouldn't fall in on me.
They say admitting you have a problem is the first step in fixing it.
So here goes...
I'm Joseph, and I've been angry at God for far too long. I hope He will forgive me and give me the strength to be a better man.
I'd just like to remind you of a painting that's recently struck home with me. I know you know the one... It's Christ standing outside a door, with no outer door knob, waiting for whomever will hear His knock to open the door. He doesn't want you to fling it open, well, He does but even if you open it a crack He will rejoice in that. I believe you've cracked the door by saying that you're angry. Just don't beat yourself up that you didn't fling it open wide.
ReplyDeleteI love you and I'm proud of the choices you've made and how you've stood by them. It takes a strong person to say "I was wrong" and you have. There's always an open seat in my car...
Love, the middle one
You know, sometimes telling and committing to a child helps. Tell Emma you'll see her at church. Then when you are there, she'll be elated. Or, if you're not then she'll be disappointed. Sometimes, it's just the little things to do it. Or no matter how awful you feel, go anyway. Satan does some pretty sneaky stuff. Like make you think you're sick when you're not.
ReplyDelete